Fat

**** this post was written with lots and lots of emotion in response to an incident that upset me.  Keep that in mind as you continue****

We are bombarded with images like these.  The message is, you are nothing unless you are thin.

I once read that if you want to be a writer, find something that you are passionate about and write it.  I recognize that I am not the most prolific writer out there.  But, I do love to write.  It heals my soul, it helps me sort out my feelings.  Writing, for a girl who struggles to say what she feels, is a way for me to communicate.   When I write I am free, and unencumbered. I feel my messages are better communicated and understood when I write them.  I love to write.


What am I passionate about? I am passionate about my religion.  I know that there is a God in Heaven who knows and loves me.  I am passionate about my family.  I love my family.  I am eternally grateful for the opportunity that I have to be sealed to them for time and eternity.  They are my everything and I take my responsibility of raising and nurturing my child along the path of exaltation very seriously.  Lastly, I am passionate about health. Why? What an odd thing to feel passionately about.  I feel passionately about it because a healthy body is the key to a healthy mind and spirit.


This last passion is the one that I want to talk about today. It is no secret that America's obesity rate is one of the highest in the world (other industrialized nations are not far behind.).  Heart disease, and diabetes are rampant.  These are directly linked to high BMI. What else is rampant?  Depression, anxiety, globalized feelings of unhappiness and discontent.  I spent my college career learning about health promotion and education.  I have read hundreds of studies (real scientific studies and not the factually inaccurate articles published in popular magazines) on how to spread the good news of a healthy lifestyle, not diets and excessive unrealistic exercise plans.  Did you know that metabolic health is more important than weight?  It's true that someone who qualifies as obese on a height weight chart could be more metabolically healthy than someone who is thin.  No popular magazine accurately depicts this.  Metabolic health doesn't sell magazines, I would venture a guess that most people don't even know what that means.  Instead media focus on marketing  "How to lose belly fat" or "How to get washboard abs."  This has nothing to do with being healthy and everything to do with ego.  We are an image obsessed nation.


My goals have been high, my dreams have been big.  I dreamed of changing lives by helping people achieve healthy lives. I have recently learned that my scope has been astoundingly narrow and I am missing the bigger picture of what women really struggle with.  I am unique.  You see, I love to exercise.  I go out in the rain, the snow, the heat.  The burn of my lungs makes me feel alive.  I love competition.  I love the feeling of how accute my senses are right there on the starting line.  My heart thuds in my chest, every fiber of my being is focused on one thing, the race.  When I run I run with my whole heart and soul.  Every race is a battle of my will to push harder than I ever thought I could.  I am by no means a tremendous athlete.  I never come in first, but I love it.


Directly after I gave birth to my beloved little girl and I felt the insidious grip of post partum depression taking me.  I knew there was only one thing I could do.  I put on my running shoes and ever so slowly made my way out on an afternoon constitutional.  I filled my lungs with warm fresh air and lifted my face to the sunshine as I slowly walked.  I love to exercise.


Here's the thing that I have come to understand.  Most women have no experience with exercise or desire to do it.  They don't like to hike or run or swim or climb or sweat.  They didn't spend their childhood and teenage years running cross-country and track and swimming and basketball and volleyball and they didn't sign up for the rock climbing class in high school and college....because they were't interested.


How can someone like me properly motivate someone like that?  I have to really put myself in their shoes.  I have to really try to understand the obstacles they are facing.  They REALLY believe they can't do it.  Not because they are lazy but because they lack experience.


Another thing that I have learned recently is that I am out of step with most women in my attitude toward food.  Many women, I have learned, have a very complicated relationship with their food.  Once, while shopping with a girl friend of mine for some ice cream, I was able to get a glimpse of this relationship. She walked around surveying every carton and informing us of all the evil calories lurking in every tub.  One of the men of the group says, "Who cares!  Why do you even read that stuff?"  she turned and said, "I do!  Every girl does.  I bet you do too don't you Paula."  I stood there feeling awkward, I don't.  I never have.  "Sorry"  I said, "I never worry about the calories.  If I am going to treat myself I realize that it's unhealthy.  Just don't do it too often."  One of my favorite blogs is a cooking blog.  I have noticed in her writing that she many times mentions feelings of shame associated with eating.  These feelings of shame are nonchalantly or even jokingly referred to as if it is a normal part of life and eating.  She has mentioned hiding in the bathroom or in the kitchen before the kids wake up to eat and then feeling horrible about herself.  The part that surprised me, was the widespread nod of approval she receives in the comments section. Women completely identify with this!  There is a very complex relationship between women and food.


One other thing that I have come to realize is, that despite the fact that America is the most obese nation in the world we are WILDLY intolerant of obesity.  I have never been obese or even overweight, I am lucky.  But I also seem to have missed the memo that tells us to be nasty to our brothers and sisters of the world who are overweight.  I was recently spending time with some people who are very dear to me.  I am having a hard time putting in to words how distressing it was for me to hear them express their attitudes towards obesity.


"I have just noticed how many fat people there are here." the word fat was harshly emphasized, spit out like a dirty word. The look on her face was one like she had tasted something disgusting and was longing to wash the flavor out of her mouth.  I stood dumbfounded, nodding in agreement because I wanted to fit in, but my insides were writhing in ANGER.  "How could you?!"  I thought.  "You don't know these women and what they've been through.  How can you stand here spewing so much venom because they are overweight!" My anger boiled and brewed nearly to the point of explosion as the time passed and I endured phrases like, "cow", "heffer" and other crude jokes at the expense of the surrounding people and their weight problems.  The tipping point for me was when she started poking fun at my baby.  I made a worried comment about my baby (who still nurses).  I mentioned that I was worried her father wouldn't know her eating schedule and may not feed her properly while I was away.  The response to my worried comment came all too quickly. The offender simply mentioned that my baby is fat, and could easily live off her fat while I was gone.......as I write this, heat is pouring from my body, tears are stinging my eyes and sprinkling my computer keyboard and I am literally physically shaking.  My daughter is one year old. She is a baby! SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE CHUBBY!!!!!!  The idea that even a baby isn't immune from our image obsessed society sickens me.  I can't protect her from everything but I will be damned if I don't do my very best to raise a daughter with a positive self image!  


One of the most fantastic women I know shared with me, in a deep confidence, that in her younger days she struggled with anorexia.  When life caught up to her and she couldn't just not eat, she became bulimic.  I was just an elementary schooler then, but I remember very distinctly how this revelation rocked me.  I had learned about those diseases in school.  We had been taught how the constant throwing up decays teeth and how anorexia and bulimia can both lead to death.  Women chose to starve themselves to death. I distinctly remember wondering how and why on earth people would do that to themselves, I didn't understand.  This wonderful and inspirational woman shared her personal battle with me to help me understand that the problem of eating disorders is more widespread than I knew. She wanted me to develop more compassion and she wanted me to know that real people that I love have battled eating disorders.  This woman sought help for her problems and she is no longer bulimic but, she is overweight.  Do you see why I quiver with anger when I see someone look down with hatred in their eyes at someone who is battling a weight issue?  You DO NOT know their story.  You do not know the obstacles they battle.  You are not better than they are.


The CDC labeled obesity an epidemic.  The real epidemic is hate.  We hate each others and make each other feel small and worthless for superficial reasons. But, worst of all, we hate ourselves. Judgment and hatred are shown to those who battle weight issues.  Self loathing and deep self hatred plague  women of all shapes and sizes.  Exercise plans and diets are just a band aids on a festering infected wound called intolerance.  No one wages positive change in their life because they hate themselves.  I am asking, no, I am pleading that everyone who reads this take a deep look inside themselves.  Look inside and carve out the part of yourself that hates.  After you carve it out, look at it, and ask yourself, why? Find compassion and find love.  When you do that, you will find the power to change your life and the world.