Sunday, November 23, 2014

Because of the Rain

Thankful.

My heart is bursting with gratitude right now.  It's no secret that our financial situation over the past several years (since I quit working to stay at home with our children) has been grim.  We are educated and ambitious but things just werent falling into place for us.  Jobs came but they were meagre.  Kevin was working long hours for pitiful pay. We're naturally cheerful people but lots of days felt like wading through another dreary, rainy day, we were dying for some sunshine.

I found a journal entry from five years ago, it was written on the day that Kevin was laid off during some structural reorganization at the beginniing of the economic downturn.  I was fearful, but optimistic.  I was sure that this was just a small bump in the road and that the quick climb to the top would resume.

Here we are five years later.  Humble, humble, humble.  Today's Paula stands here now with an understanding that success is fifty percent hard work and fifty percent blessings from God.  Everything that I have is because of Him. Everything.

There's a quote that hangs in my living room that says that "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.  It's about dancing in the rain."  

I tried to brush it off, I've said its silly, I've said it doesn't matter but the truth is, this financial challenge has brought me to my knees more than once.  The most difficult part of it, was accepting help from others.... or worse, having to ask for help.  It's humiliating.  It shouldn't be, but it is.  I really prided myself on my independence. I moved away from home at 18 and never looked back. I worked and saved all by myself. I really believed that. 

I cried to The Lord I asked him to take this from us PLEASE.  I dreamed of the day that buying diapers and groceries wouldn't be a big deal.  When paying bills wouldn't cause me to break out in a cold sweat.  We were on shoe string budget always teetering on the edge of disaster. 

Kevin went to interview after interview.  Each time I fasted and prayed that if it be Thy will please let this one work out.  Time after time, they didn't.  I doubted, I got angry, I got depressed, felt hopeless. But mostly I just tried not to think about it.  But it was always there, weighing me down, stressing me out, filling me with guilt and doubt.

 Then one day, as I explained to a very upset three year old that she could not have any more candy I saw a clear type between my relationship with my daughter and my relationship with my God.  She begged and cried and pleaded for more treats, I calmly denied her pleas because I love her and because I understand that if I let her eat all the candy that she wanted that she wouldn't grow healthy and strong the way she needs to.  Of course she didn't understand, her requests for the candy continued, she was very distraught. But I love her too much to let that happen.  For the first time I clearly saw myself, begging for "candy"  Maybe my desires were righteous but still not right.



That night, after I had tucked my girls into bed, I fell on my knees and prayed like I hadn't prayed in a long time.  I didn't ask for the challenge to be taken away, instead I asked that my Will be aligned with God's.  I want to WANT what Heavenly Father has planned for me.  I know he has a plan for me and I know that it will be better and more wonderful than anything that I can plan for myself.

This became my new mantra, "please Lord, help me align my will with Thine."

A few nights ago, my prayer changed. I found myself saying thankyou.  I had been saying thank you for months but my attitude had been that I would dance despite the rain. I was grateful for our home, food, our health, a job this exercise in gratitude always made me feel better.  But that night, for the first time, I wasn't dancing in spite of the rain, I was dancing BECAUSE of the rain.  "Thank you, Father, for blessing us with the opportunity to struggle financially."


The more I thought the more reasons I came up with to be thankful.  We learned; humility, compassion, Kevin and I were now unified on our money philosophy, I was forced to extend myself in creative ways to earn money for our family while still staying home with the girls, I uncovered and developed talents that I didn't know I had and more importantly we saw first hand that all of the effort and support and prayers from masses of people who love and support us could do nothing to achieve something outside of the Lords plan for us ALL blessings come from God. And so much more!

Two days later,  Kevin was offered a job as Assistant Vice President for a  Bank of America branch. 

He popped into the room where I was rocking the baby to sleep and mouthed, "I got it!" I screamed in joy, we both cried a little and a feeling of a literal weight being lifted off my body occured.  I can't describe the feelings of joy, and gratitude and humility that I feel.  We are blessed.

Because of the rain, I have blossomed.  Thank you.