I've never been very good at math. I guess that's not entirely true. I've always gotten good grades in mathematics, but it's because I worked my bum off night after night slaving over understanding those crazy number thingys. Inevitably, after studying and struggling for days with a mathematical concept that I was beginning to feel I was incapable of solving, a lightbulb would flip on in my brain and the problems got easier. So, math wasn't impossible for me, it just didn't come quickly or easily.
In light of that information, I guess it's no surprise that I've been struggling over a certain mathematics issue for weeks now until FINALLY the lightbulb flipped on and the answer dawned on me.
Let me start at the beginning. A couple of months ago we found out we were expecting baby number two. We leaped for joy, praised Heavenly Father and I immediately set out planning and preparing for our second baby. And then it happened, that sickly, tired stage of pregnancy set in. I spent my days trudging after Kylea trying to keep up and usually failing miserably. We watched lots of movies and ate lots of quick and not so nutritious foods. Whilst in the throughs of this I realized something. It's not going to get better when the baby comes. Nope, I'm going to be exhausted, hormonal and physically healing for at least a month maybe two. And then once that is over, I will still have to divide my attention and love between TWO children. Some days it's all I can do to keep up with one. How will that work? How will this impact my ability to be a good wife to Kevin? And how will that be fair to my beloved Kylea?
When Kylea was born, I was instantly smitten. I was filled with a measure of love that I didn't even know was possible. As she's grown, my love for her has grown as well. I've gotten to know her personality. We've baked cookies, read stories, snuggled under blankies while watching movies, laughed together and cried together. For two years she's been the complete epicenter of my universe. The idea of dividing my love and attention from her didn't feel fair and my heart has been aching over it for weeks now. At the same time, I realize that another one of Heavenly Father's precious children is being entrusted to my care and I want to be able to give her everything that Kylea had. It just wouldn't be fair if I didn't. But how is would it be possible? I'm just one, very imperfect person.
The answer came on a cold November evening when I lay on the exam table anxiously awaiting the results of the never-ending ultrasound. The ultrasound tech furrowed his brow and leaned forward, and pressed the ultrasound wand harder into my pregnant belly. Each time he did Kevin and I would say, "what? what are you looking at? Is everything ok?" Then I would crane my neck in an attempt to see the screen. "what?" he would reply, "oh, yes, everything is fine, just fine, looking very good this little one." We waited anxiously as piece by piece the baby was examined until finally at the end he announced, "It's a girl! See, there are her girl parts!" Then he handed me a handful of photos to document our first encounter with our new little girl.
"Another girl." I thought, as I absently thumbed through the ultrasound photos. Then I happened across this photo.
I stared at this image until I saw it, a perfect little mouth, nose and chin.....my baby! Suddenly, into my mind's eye flashed images of my little infant Kylea. I could see her snuggled against my chest after a nice long nursing session sucking on her bottom lip and sleeping peacefully. I felt the rush of love sweep over me as I remembered what it was like to stroke her little cheek as she slept. Then the image shifted, now it was another sweet baby, MY baby. All at once I wasn't afraid anymore. In fact, I couldn't wait to do it all again. Through God's grace I was able to transition from the idea of having another baby (which was unknown and scary) to the reality of having OUR next little girl in our arms.
It was in that moment of love and clarity that it occurred to me that I've been thinking about this problem all wrong! Having another child isn't about division of time and love, it's multiplication! It figures, I mixed up the operation. I can feel love and tenderness for both of my children equally because there is NO limit to the human capacity to give and receive love. Families are divinely designed to expand and so is our capacity to love!
I'm no longer worried about Kevin or Kylea either. Seeing Kevin be a Daddy has already multiplied my love for him and two girls will be twice the opportunity for him to parent. We don't have as much alone time but we enjoy our family time and cherish our alone time just that much more! And Kylea is going to LOVE her sister, I just know it! She will have someone to run and play with, someone to play princesses with, braid hair, share clothes, gossip about boys and argue over silly girl things. What a blessing it will be to her to learn about sibling love and cooperation. I anticipate a multiplication of love all around!
Someday, several year down the road, I anticipate sitting with my girls at the table as they work on their math homework and inevitably the question will be raised, "When am I EVER going to use this stuff, Mom?!" I'll just smile and say, "Study hard sweetie, you will be surprised when mathematics come in handy!"
