4 Months

Neila Sage, my darling baby, you are already 4 months old!  You light up our lives with your happy peaceful spirit.  Now that we know you are allergic to dairy  and Mommy has quit eating things that have dairy in them you are your happy delightful self from sun up to sun down and every where in between.

At 4 Months You....
-roll from your back to your tummy.   This has made diaper changes an olympic sport, as you are eager to practice your new skill whenever you get the chance!

-Giggle, chuckle and belly laugh.  You wake up and the first thing you do every morning is flash you enormous gummy smile.  You think your big sissy is the funniest.  You have lots of tickle spots.  Your laugh is infectious and bright.

-Interact.  You LOVE to get eye contact and have jabber conversations.  You blow a raspberry, Mommy blows  a raspberry, your eyes get really big and you laugh a giant belly laugh....Then Mommy dies of a cuteness overload.

-Play! You LOVE to play with toys.  You smile and coo and jabber at toys.  And grasp onto them and shove them eagerly into your mouth cooing and jabbering in delight the whole time.  When placed on your tummy you excitedly kick your legs to inch your way toward a toy placed in front of you.
 
-Sleep.  You sleep when you're tired and don't put up a fuss at all, but only as long as you have a warm body next to you.  Although some days it would be nice to set you down and get a few things done, there's just nothing sweeter than staring into your sweet little face as you smile up at me and peacefully drift into slumber.

We all love you to pieces!  The first thing Kylea wants to do every morning is hold you.  You love a good cuddle from Daddy and you are Mommy's little 'roo riding around almost everywhere in your moby wrap.  We took you to the pediatrician because your eye got infected.  You smiled up at him and kicked your little legs as he poked and prodded and shined lights into your sore eye. He even stopped the exam halfway through to ask, "Is she ALWAYS this happy?!"  Yes, yes she is.  You are an absolute delight.  Keep growing sweet baby.  We love you.

The Ocean: A Beautiful and Terrifying Ride

The ocean can be deceiving, you know? You stand on the shore gazing into the crystal blue beauty hypnotized by the rise and fall of the waves crashing onto the shore.  And you decide it's gorgeous and refreshing and you want to go for a swim!  Everything goes amazing, you are dancing through the waves and maybe riding a few, when suddenly a rogue wave catches you off guard.

The next thing you know you are swirling through the water. You are completely at the ocean's mercy, flipping and turning through the wave. The wave passes you are still gasping for air when you're hit with another and another you try to claw your way to the surface but find you have no idea where that is.  Eventually the ocean releases you from it's grasp.  Gasping for air and with salt stinging your eyes you compose yourself and then make a decision, do you go play some more in the water or do you retreat to your sandy towel and lick your wounds for a moment?

I feel like this is the perfect analogy for these last couple months. I stood on the beach admiring the beauty of the ocean with no clue of what was in store for me.  In a short span of time we have weathered a very scary illness from the baby, a trip to primary children's hospital ER, saying good-bye to our beloved dog Tekoa, several more rejections from companies that interviewed Kevin, worried sleepless night after worried sleepless night holding my newborn babe who could barely breath, tear filled day after day with my poor bewildered Kylea.

More than once I raised my hands up to the heavens and in inaudible prayer cried out, "I'm just ONE person!  How can I meet the needs of everyone?! This is just too much!"  I found myself more than once holding a crying baby while my crying toddler held onto my ankles.  I wanted desperately to pick her up, to comfort her but...I'm just one person and the baby needed me more. I tried my best to sooth her with words and one arm hugs and head pats.  My heart felt like it would break into a million pieces every time I couldn't answer her desperate plea for, "MOMMMY!"  I felt very much like I was drowning

After 6 weeks of a sick Neila she finally started to get better.  She seemed less miserable, but I still couldn't lay her down to sleep or stop moving or she would wake up.  We finally discovered that she had a severe case of reflux which was greatly improved by cutting ALL dairy out of my diet.  This sounded tons easier than it actually was.  Dairy is in almost every single processed food that you can find.  Crackers? yes.  Tuna? yes. Hot dogs? yes. and the list goes on and on. I'm basically living off of oatmeal and chicken and fruits and veggies.....which is really how I should be eating anyway.

Today as I played with Kylea while the baby peacefully slept in her bassinet I found myself overflowing with gratitude for the simple things we usually take for granted and offering a prayer of thanksgiving.  After all, this one-on-one time with my sweet Kyky hasn't been possible while the babe was sick and in pain.

"Thank- you Heavenly Father for making me do hard things.  Thank you for humbling me, for orienting me to the things that are most  important.  Thank-you for the health that we enjoy.  Thank-you for the love that we share.  Thank-you for trusting me to be a mother.  Thank-you for helping me to be who YOU want me to be and not who I think I WANT to be.  Your way is better.  I don't know when Kevin will get his due reward of a promotion.  What I DO know is that I'm going to stop praying for it to happen.  Instead Heavenly Father, help my will to become aligned with thine.  Help me to find joy in this beautiful, crazy, tough journey called life."

Hard things have a way of deepening our gratitude.  Perhaps I was too proud.  Perhaps I let a sense of entitlement fill me up with envy and impatience. Perhaps this challenge was just what I needed to get where I'm supposed to be.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that I have taken the time that I need to sit on the beach and lick my wounds and I'm ready to jump back in the ocean.  Sure, I run the risk of being knocked down by a few rogue waves but I wouldn't want to miss the ride!

More posts about the wonderful particulars of life as it is right now to come.

One Week

Sweet little Neila Sage.

Who knew babies like you even existed?

Sweet, even tempered, smiley little angel.

You are such an easy addition to our family.

You tolerate your sister smothering you with kisses and hugs and tickles.  She completely adores you.  I hope someday you are the best of friends.

You sleep through toddler screeches and crashes.

You communicate your wants and needs through little grunts and if too much time passes a mild squack.

You smell like new baby heaven.  I could sit and breath in your little head all day long.

You love to suck on your little fists.

You fall asleep all. by. yourself......MIRACLE!

We are so thankful we got to add your sweet spirit to our family and can't wait to watch you grow.

another water baby.  LOVED her first bath!

Out of The Woods

I want to remember some of the small and precious details of Neila's birth.  This was the song I listened to over and over again while laboring.  I had lots of other songs and hypnobirthing tracks loaded on the ipod and ready to go, but this fit  perfectly with labor and birth and kept me so quietly intent on what I was doing, it was all I wanted to hear.  "Out of the Woods" will always make me think of little Neila's birth day. 

"Out Of The Woods"

I wish you out of the woods 
And into the picture with me. 
I wish you over the moon, 
Come out of the question and be. 

[CHORUS]
If this going to 
Run round in my head 
I might as well be dreaming. 
Run round in my head 

I rollercoaster for you. 
Time out of mind 
Must be heavenly. 
It's all enchanted and wild, 
It's just like my heart said 
It was going to be. 

[CHORUS]

[First Verse]

[CHORUS]

Neila's Birth Story

All birth is miraculous, special and life changing. Bringing life into the world is no light matter.  But what happens when you peel back all the layers and medical interventions and let it just be birth as God intended it to be?  The answer? The most miraculous, empowering and magnificent experience you could possibly have.

Neila's story began on a cold March morning March 22, 2013.  I woke up and had a sixth sense impression that baby was making her way into the world.  It was like I could feel the dilating.  We got up took care of Kylea and then decided to vacuum the carpet hoping that it would speed things along.   It did!  The birth plug came out and contractions set in at about every ten minutes.  I called Kevin and asked him to come home in case things got serious.  

All day I was filled with a ton of anxious-excited nesting energy.  I went to Walmart and picked up all of our Easter supplies came home took a nap with Kylea and then went back out to Target to pick up a few organizational and decorative items for baby's room.  I tidied and organized, cuddled and played with Kylea all evening long.  

At about 8:30 I started to feel a little tired and stressed so I put on my hypnobirthing affirmations and birth music and brought myself back to a calm state.  Contractions were still at 10 minute intervals and growing in pressure but with a little relaxation and breathing not painful.

At 9:00 we laid down with Kylea to read her scriptures, say a prayer and put her to bed.  The second I crawled into bed, my water broke.  This is when things started to really pick up.

Kevin called the midwife who told us that for the first time ever she had another Mom at the center who had JUST given birth.  She told us to keep her posted.  We decided to just hang out for a bit and finish with Kylea's bedtime routine.  As I lay snuggled up next to Kylea the frequency of the contractions seemed to increase (though I wasn't timing them) and I knew we should head out soon unless I wanted to deliver a baby in the van.

We grabbed our bags, left some probably over detailed information for my in-laws who were staying with us and would be watching Kylea.

We live in Eagle Mountain, which 35-40 minutes away from the birthing center.  It was 10:30 at night and a light snow was falling.  Kevin and I chatted and laughed and took little breaks for me to relax and breath through a contraction which were now coming at 5 minute intervals.

When we got to the birth center, our midwife Rebecca asked Kevin if I was this calm last time I birthed, she was surprised to hear that I was in active labor and still calm and smiling. All the midwife could offer us was her (rather comfy) waiting room since the couple who had just birthed were still being checked out.  We turned on Harry Potter and snuggled up on the couch together.  Kevin rubbed my back and we relaxed.  

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

Rebecca started an IV (because I tested positive for strep b) towards the end of the drip I started transitioning.  Everything got REALLY hot I suddenly couldn't sit still anymore.  This is where Kevin deserves the golden star award for best and most supportive husband he rubbed my back, held me, reminded me to breath and was my rock of support and kept me level headed.  Meanwhile Rebecca and her daughter RAN through the office quickly cleaning and preparing the tub so that I could get in.

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

When the tub was ready I practically dove in.....sweet relief!  I could just float and focus on pushing my baby down.  Kevin knelt by my head gently speaking encouragement and stroking my head.  I was tuned in, I could feel her wiggling her way down with each contraction I breathed out.  I probably could have pushed her out in a single heave but we wanted the birth to be gentle on me too so we practiced controlled breathing during contractions (NOT pushing) Finally she emerged and with an artful summersault by our skilled midwife, Rebecca she was freed from the cord that was wrapped around her little neck and in my arms.  

scooping her out of her watery environment

She stared with wide open eyes and blinked so lucid and curious her cord was allowed to pulse and support her while she struggled through her first breaths.  

I don't think there's anything more spiritual than staring into the face of your newborn child for the first time.  This time, in addition to the wonder of taking in all of her beauty I was filled with an amazing sense of power, fulfillment and family bonding.  I felt closer than ever to Kevin, how could I have made it through this journey as peacefully as I did without him? And our baby, I got to travel deep inside myself and truly experience her journey into the world.  I didn't stare awkwardly into the face of strangers while wondering if my "pushing face" looked weird.  I was totally present and focused on the end prize the entire time.  We made the journey together, all of us.

We spent the next couple hours snuggling and nursing. Rebecca brought us cinnamon rolls to celebrate the birth of our beautiful baby girl.  When enough time to bond in a relaxed way had passed we took measurements.

She's 7lbs 6oz!

19 and 1/4 inches

and passed her first exam with flying colors

Then we got dressed and ready to settle into bed.  A REAL bed with room for Kevin to sleep too.

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

The next morning we woke up to a delicious meal of huckleberry pancakes, bacon and eggs and juice prepared by Rebecca.  Neila settled into the boppy and hung out while we enjoyed our breakfast in bed.

I feel so blessed to have been able to bring this sweet little life into the world in such a peaceful calm and empowering environment.  

The magic continued when we got to introduce our little Neila to her big sister Kylea.  Kylea has claimed her as her own and wants to be wherever baby is.  We love our new addition!

Baby

There are a few posts I wrote but never posted I can't figure out why because they are great. This is one if them. More to come!

32 weeks.....that means we are ONLY 5 weeks away from a full term baby (37 weeks) and 8 weeks away from our due date!!!  The time has flown.  Although this last part is always the part that drags on the longest.

It's funny to note the differences between this baby and Kylea.  Kylea was in constant motion.  The doctor would ask me what time of day she kicked most and I honestly couldn't say, she kicked ALL. THE. TIME.  It was the same after she was born.  She wore her infant mittens out and was swaddled for most of the first 3 months of her life (and during naps up until she was 8 months!)  She was just so active!  She was like a tiny tazmanian devil and the swaddle helped tame her flailing limbs enough to keep her happy.

This baby however definitely has a time of day she's most active.  She wakes up in the evening hours and occasionally pokes and nudges me.  They're much gentler than the karate attacks from Kylea.

My belly is riding lower so it looks much more like the traditional baby bump, I like it.  I actually kind of feel cute, other than the times that I try and roll over in bed. Then I feel like a cross between a whale and a cheetah.  The whale describes the feeling of laying there with a watermellon sized tummy when suddenly, oh no my hip hurts I should probably switch sides.  Now comes the cheetah....grunt, thrash,  rearrange pillows, attempt sleep....oh no, I have to get up to pee, rearrange pillows again, attempt sleep, heartburn, grunt, thrash, strain for bottle of Tums next to bed, noisily crunch 2 Tums down, attempt sleep, repeat all through the night.  I do feel bad for Kevin, but he really doesn't seem to notice and I secretly feel like this is my vengeance for his snoring....shhhhh!  I mean, what? he doesn't snore! (....yes he does)

You get the idea.  It's not pretty.

It's just amazing how I feel like I can sense her personality already.  I'm getting very excited to meet this little one.  What does she look like?  What is her personality?  What unique qualities will she bring to our family?

We'll know soon enough!  The clock is ticking 8,7,6...

Kylea Lately

Life with Kylea Lately:

Is a musical.  She musically narrates everything we do.  Today during breakfast she danced around my legs singing, "Mommy make da eggy! Foodies, foodies for Ky-ky!" over and over again.  

Is adventurous.  She's curious and quick to learn and repeat anything she sees or hears. "What that?!"  is a common question around here.

Is proper.....sort of.  She's very polite, whenever she toots she quickly follows it with a gasp and says, "Sorry, poo-poo!"  I have no idea where she got that from.  It's a Kylea original!

Is filled with preschool shows.  We watch Dora, Diego, WonderPets and Sesame street.  My favorite is her impression of Swiper the Fox from Dora. She swings her arm just like Swiper and declares, "Ohhhh man!" whenever things don't go her way.

Is a dance party.  She LOVES to dance and whenever a chance arrives she excitedly shouts, "Shake your booty!"  and grabs our hands to have us join her in dance party.  Dance parties aren't resevered for just times when we play music.  They occur during musical selections of any tv show, movie or commercial, department store, convenience store.... anywhere!

Is full of love.  She gives great hugs and kisses and is becoming very clear who she is attached to.  Tekoa has had to visit the vet a few times the last couple months because of an injured paw, every time we had to wait while he went back to the exam room her little eyes filled with tears, her lip quivers and she heartbrokenly cries out for her,  "woo-woo"  It's such a heartbreaking performance she won a "backstage pass" to the medical room in the veterinary office, where she got to meet the vet's personal dog, and all the vet techs and observe Tekoa's procedure, a very special privilege indeed.

Is a fashion show.  She only leaves the house in what SHE thinks is most fashionable.  Today's ensemble was a tutu worn over her regular clothes, her fancy church coat and pink cowboy boots.  Who can deny her when she declares herself to be a "beautiful princess!"

She adores strawberries and single handedly polished off an entire box of them in just a couple short days.  She very politely requests, "strawbs pwease" for every snack and meal whenever they are in the house.

Is chatty.  She LOVES to have good conversations and eats up moments when I sit on her level and stare directly into her face she excitedly chatters about horses and dragons and princesses and monkeys and babies and all her favorite things.

Is empathetic.  She is always the first little kid in play group to ask, "you ok?!"  When someone falls over or begins to cry.

Is cold-a-phobic.  She must be my daughter or something.....she does NOT like to be cold.  She loves the idea of snow and begs to go play, but the second she starts to feel a little cold she howls and whimpers until we retreat back indoors and warm her up.  This generally takes only minutes before it occurs.  She fought me at the beginning of winter every time I asked her to put on a coat now she quickly complies all the while saying, "brrrr, cold!"

Is a water game.  Every shower that is started in this house inevitably is joined by a certain water-loving two year old.  She can get nakey in a flash, it's kind of amazing actually. 

Is one giant game of tag.  Kylea LOVES to get a good game of tag going.  She will bait one parent into chasing her, then run to the arms of the other parent laughing and giggling the whole way.

In a word, life with Kylea lately is a 

Joy.

We are so lucky she's ours.

Resolve: Rejoice in Simplicity

Have you ever sat and watched the sun set?

http://shareyourwallpapers.com/nature/sunset/show/24306/

I have. 

One of the best summers of my life, I spent in Phoenix, doing one of the worst jobs I have ever had.  The best part was every evening at sunset I would take a break sit on the curb and drink in nature’s beauty.

Have you ever sat under a starry sky?

http://ihaveavoicetoo.com/127-the-night-sky/

I have.  

On warm summer nights, my brothers and I would grab our sleeping bags and sleep under the starry sky.  We woke the next morning to the warm summer morning sun in our faces.

Have you sat on a quiet beach near the ocean?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pacific_Ocean_At_Acapulco_1.jpg

I have.  

I can vividly remember sitting on a log near the waves of the Pacific, as a 17 year breathing the salty fresh air and feeling the cool spray of the ocean on my face, digging my toes into the cold sand and being wonderfully present in the moment.

Have you looked into the eyes of your true love? Did you know that your love would last for eternity?

I have. 

It's unparalleled

Have you ever experienced this moment?

I have. 

I’ve seen an angel.  Held her in my arms.  We went from a couple, to a family.  There is real magic in this memory.

Have you felt a little life kick around in your belly and marveled at your divine capacity to nurture human life?

I have. 

I love that Heavenly Father has given me the chance to do it twice.  What a blessing!

Why am I rehashing all these moments in yet another overly sappy blog post?  All these magical moments have something in common…

Simplicity.

None of these gems cost a penny. Oscar Wilde once said, 

“Simplicity is beauty and beauty is simplicity, nothing more and nothings less.”

I’ve been living out this “trial” of our finances for the last couple of years, waiting for the day when education and preparation pay off.  All the while, I have forgotten to take joy in the simplicity of my life the way it is right NOW. 

It doesn’t take a penny to put on music and dance around like rock-stars.  I will cherish that memory more than 1,000 trips to Disneyland.  It’s simplistic beauty, the blossoming of family love and little personality.

There really is true beauty in simplicity.  Being “poor” just gives us an opportunity to revel in that simplicity.  We get to explore the depths of our creativity and we get to marvel at EVERYTHING the world has to offer.

I recently stumbled across a blog (http://andthenwesaved.com/about-the-spending-fast/) where the author decided to go on a "spending fast" so she could pay off debt.  She eliminated ALL spending that wasn't essential to her survival (including make-up....brave gal!) She eliminated all of her debt in 15 months while making only $33,000 a year.

We’re already on somewhat of a spending fast, so that I can stay at home with our little girl.  But it felt involuntary, we felt sorry for ourselves every time we had to say, “sorry, we can’t afford it.”  And to be totally honest, we haven’t been great at saying “No.”  And we have a LONG list of "wants' we jokingly refer to as "the list".

Guess what?  I’m DONE feeling sorry for us, it’s miserable.  I resolve this year to live more simply, to want less and be happier. 

How will we do this? We aren’t going to eat out more than a handful of times.  We’re not traveling even though we could probably scrap up the money to do so.  The money can be put to better use. And we'll designate a purpose for all the dollars that come into our bank account.  If a "want" arises that can't be covered by our budget we'll just say matter of factly (without feeling sorry for ourselves) there is no money for that, what should we do instead?

By the end, I hope to have shaken that monkey (called student debt) off our back and gathered hundreds of memories of starry nights, vivid sunsets, little giggles, rock-star performances, $30 Christmases, handmade gifts and all sorts of treasures of the like. 

If by this time next year we aren’t making any more money than we are today, I hope that I have perfected the art of simplicity to a point where i'm not bothered by that fact.

“I have just 3 things to teach: 

-simplicity, 

-patience, 

-compassion.  

These three are your greatest treasures.” 

– Lao Tzu

By the end of this, I hope to have cultivated all 3 of Lao Tzu's treasures.  And cultivate them with grace, not while kicking and screaming. I’m really looking forward to 2013!