Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Ocean: A Beautiful and Terrifying Ride


The ocean can be deceiving, you know? You stand on the shore gazing into the crystal blue beauty hypnotized by the rise and fall of the waves crashing onto the shore.  And you decide it's gorgeous and refreshing and you want to go for a swim!  Everything goes amazing, you are dancing through the waves and maybe riding a few, when suddenly a rogue wave catches you off guard.



The next thing you know you are swirling through the water. You are completely at the ocean's mercy, flipping and turning through the wave. The wave passes you are still gasping for air when you're hit with another and another you try to claw your way to the surface but find you have no idea where that is.  Eventually the ocean releases you from it's grasp.  Gasping for air and with salt stinging your eyes you compose yourself and then make a decision, do you go play some more in the water or do you retreat to your sandy towel and lick your wounds for a moment?

I feel like this is the perfect analogy for these last couple months. I stood on the beach admiring the beauty of the ocean with no clue of what was in store for me.  In a short span of time we have weathered a very scary illness from the baby, a trip to primary children's hospital ER, saying good-bye to our beloved dog Tekoa, several more rejections from companies that interviewed Kevin, worried sleepless night after worried sleepless night holding my newborn babe who could barely breath, tear filled day after day with my poor bewildered Kylea.

More than once I raised my hands up to the heavens and in inaudible prayer cried out, "I'm just ONE person!  How can I meet the needs of everyone?! This is just too much!"  I found myself more than once holding a crying baby while my crying toddler held onto my ankles.  I wanted desperately to pick her up, to comfort her but...I'm just one person and the baby needed me more. I tried my best to sooth her with words and one arm hugs and head pats.  My heart felt like it would break into a million pieces every time I couldn't answer her desperate plea for, "MOMMMY!"  I felt very much like I was drowning

After 6 weeks of a sick Neila she finally started to get better.  She seemed less miserable, but I still couldn't lay her down to sleep or stop moving or she would wake up.  We finally discovered that she had a severe case of reflux which was greatly improved by cutting ALL dairy out of my diet.  This sounded tons easier than it actually was.  Dairy is in almost every single processed food that you can find.  Crackers? yes.  Tuna? yes. Hot dogs? yes. and the list goes on and on. I'm basically living off of oatmeal and chicken and fruits and veggies.....which is really how I should be eating anyway.

Today as I played with Kylea while the baby peacefully slept in her bassinet I found myself overflowing with gratitude for the simple things we usually take for granted and offering a prayer of thanksgiving.  After all, this one-on-one time with my sweet Kyky hasn't been possible while the babe was sick and in pain.

"Thank- you Heavenly Father for making me do hard things.  Thank you for humbling me, for orienting me to the things that are most  important.  Thank-you for the health that we enjoy.  Thank-you for the love that we share.  Thank-you for trusting me to be a mother.  Thank-you for helping me to be who YOU want me to be and not who I think I WANT to be.  Your way is better.  I don't know when Kevin will get his due reward of a promotion.  What I DO know is that I'm going to stop praying for it to happen.  Instead Heavenly Father, help my will to become aligned with thine.  Help me to find joy in this beautiful, crazy, tough journey called life."

Hard things have a way of deepening our gratitude.  Perhaps I was too proud.  Perhaps I let a sense of entitlement fill me up with envy and impatience. Perhaps this challenge was just what I needed to get where I'm supposed to be.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that I have taken the time that I need to sit on the beach and lick my wounds and I'm ready to jump back in the ocean.  Sure, I run the risk of being knocked down by a few rogue waves but I wouldn't want to miss the ride!

More posts about the wonderful particulars of life as it is right now to come.