Sign These Papers and.... Leave Your Dignity At The Door

We finally got to meet the doctor who will delivering our baby!  I really liked him he had a very calm demeanor and put all of our questions to rest.  And that was no easy task, Kevin grilled him like a hamburger on the 4^th of July.  He asked him all sorts of questions like how long he had been doing this and how successful he has been..... it was very thorough.

We want to do hypnobirthing and he was very reassuring saying it was the best technique he has seen for natural child birth and he does quite a few hypnobirths.  He also reassured us that St. Mark’s is a great hospital for that as they have lots of nurses who are hypnobirth trained and every other room has a Jacuzzi tub to sit in while laboring, apparently the warm jets help.  So as long as baby doesn’t decide to be born on a busy night we should get one of those rooms.

The appointments are now going to be every two weeks, and are getting much more personal.  I’m learning that I will have to set whatever dignity I feel like I have aside, as there will be no such thing as privacy for the next couple months. 

To illustrate my point here is a brief overview of my last appointment........

Please step onto this scale we don't have your records from your previous doctor yet, what was your starting weight?  Now in my best announcer voice I will do math out loud and declare to everyone standing around how much weight you have gained.  Don't look embarrassed it's natural.

What?  You hate the way your stomach looks right now?  We don’t care, pull that shirt up and lets just talk while you lay there exposed and I take FOREVER to get the listening device out.

What?  You haven’t had that shot yet?  No, put your sleeve down, drop your drawers, cross your legs and turn around and grab the end of this table please.  Now walk around rubbing your bum for the rest of the day or the injection site will punish you with pain like you've never experienced from a shot before.

Last, please take this cup and pee into it.  Good news!  We’ll let you do that by yourself, but I’m going to sit here snickering because I know how much trouble you will have trying to do it with that giant stomach blocking you.

End of appointment, not end of loss of dignity and here's why....

So, I leave the office feeling only slightly ruffled and crawl into our hot car all the while rubbing the spot where my bum had been attacked by vaccinations.  And there waiting in the cup holder of the console of the car is my water bottle.  It’s a new one and I love it because it’s like a nalgene bottle but instead of having to unscrew the top to drink you just flip up a little built in straw.  It’s amazing! Feeling parched I snatch up my beloved water bottle and flip the straw up for a cool refreshing drink.  

Without warning my beloved water bottle began spewing water with all the force of an erupting volcano through the straw. Naturally the bottle was pointed at my face since my intention had been to take a sip, so water is now exploding into my face and pooling on the seat soaking me entirely. I should mention that because the seats are leather the water is pooling to the back of the seat leaving a perfect, " I just peed myself" wet spot on my pants.

What could I do?   After the bottle quit erupting I looked at Kevin with mascara dripping down my face and we both just started hysterically laughing.

We end the trip with me waddling back into the house, soaking wet with mascara dripping down my face just in time for our neighbors to come out and say "hello!" while trying not to stare at me.

And so I have reached the decision that I will in fact leave my dignity at the door (as the nurse who had me drop my drawers suggested I do.) I’m sure it only gets better from here.