Making a Mark on the World

***Warning- this post contains loads and loads of rambling, sappiness.  Proceed at your own risk**

I'm battling a bad attitude today.  Kylea was up from 12am-4am.  What's that you say?  Boo-hoo?  Kids have bad nights? Yes they do.  This has been ongoing though for the last month she's been waking up for large chunks of time during the night, every single night.  It's because she's been sick, sick, sick.  Times like these I want to go back in time and smack that 20 something I-know-everything-because-I-lack-life-experience-to-know-I-don't-know-anything, me in the face for saying things like, "Sorry, but stay-at-home Mom isn't work at all." Oh really, know-it-all?  You think you are SO busy, don't you?  You think you know what it's like to be tired?  You think you know what it's like to be frustrated?  In time you will see, these experiences are just a tip of the iceberg of what's to come.

I'm tired, and losing my normal long suffering patience. All I can think is, poor me.  I'm pregnant and SO tired and feeling chunky and there's laundry to fold and the kid is cranky and the bills are calling, blah, blah, blah.

Life, it can really get you down sometimes!  There's only one cure for a bad attitude, and it's gratitude!  So while Kylea naps (hopefully for a while longer) I'm just going to sit here and banish all the negativity that's engulfing me.  With a little reflection on why my life is so great.

I'm grateful I get to be a Mommy.  I didn't think I wanted to be a parent.  I saw tears and boogers and weekends spent at home and mom-jeans and thought, nope that's not for me.  So I went to college to become a physical therapist and make lots and lots of money and maybe work in scientific research and development.  I wanted to do something important, I wanted to make my mark on the world.

Then I met this man.  This handsome, funny, charming man and it wasn't long before I couldn't picture living a single day of my life without him.  He must have felt the same because one day (right around this time of year) he got down on his knee with a bouquet of my favorite flowers and my favorite temple with the MOST gorgeous ring and asked me to be his for time and all eternity.

A beautiful dress and even more beautiful wedding occurred.  We spent a couple of years helping each other through college, becoming experts at mario kart wii, making friends, making memories and growing in our relationship.

Then along came a baby.  She brought more joy, love, pride and challenge than we had ever known.  For me, it meant a major shift in career as I switched from "professional-woman-in-the-making" to Mommy.  It meant battling a truckload of emotions I never knew I could experience.  Some of them were better than ever, lots were harder than I ever imagined.

I LOVE being a Mommy.  I never knew I would love it so much.  I LOVE being a stay-at-home-mom.  I love being there for every smile, every giggle, every milestone.  I also love that I get to be there for every temper tantrum, runny nose, upset tummy, long night and meltdown that comes along.  In fact, when I really think about it, I'm most glad for those not so nice moments.  Those are the times where creativity comes in.  That is where I problem solve.  That is where I get to step outside of my emotional reaction to things and say, "I'm raising a human being what can I do to make her a good one?"  It's the challenging days that make me a more compassionate, loving and patient human being.  It's the challenging moments that I get to show my little one that I love her and support her through whatever she is going through.

Sometimes that means sitting in the quiet dark for HOURS in the middle of the night for many consecutive nights while she sniffles and coughs and babbles about horses and princesses and stars and Santa and baby Jesus and holding her when she cries out.  It means stroking her hair 'til her labored breathing turns to tiny snores and I can finally crumple in a heap until she wakes and we do the whole thing all over again.

All I ever wanted was to make my mark on the world.  All I ever wanted was to make a difference.  Now I know that THIS is my way.  No one will ever read about my scientific discovery in a text but my contribution IS important.  This child is my mark on the world.  If I can raise my children in love and firm testimony of their Savior Jesus Christ then I AM important.  My influence can last generations.  I always thought motherhood wasn't important enough for me, and now I realize it's importance and hope that I am up to the task.  I'm grateful that I've educated myself spiritually and secularly and eternally grateful that I can draw on that education to help me navigate the choppy waters of parenthood.  I'm grateful that I chose such a wonderful loving man to be my companion through this journey.  He's my best friend.

Motherhood is hard.  It's the hardest job I've ever had but I can't think of anything I would rather be doing.