An Inconvenience? No, A Treasure!

Humbled? Yes, very.  I feel like I posted that last blog post it has just been floating around in space, weighing on my mind and causing me lots and lots of regret.  It was  a bad day, I should have written those thoughts on a piece of notebook paper and then threw it away!  But, I didn't.  Actually, I'm kind of glad that I didn't because I feel like it was a way for Heavenly Father to really help me see and correct my bad attitude.

Do you ever get the feeling that everything in the world is trying to teach you the same lesson?  I do.  The very next day after posting my frustrations with motherhood and pregnancy I found this quote,

"Remember, you are not raising an inconvenience but a human being."

I hope I'm not the only mom who can say that many times I have treated my sweet little girl as an inconvenience.  "Mommy needs to get dinner on the table,  I can't dance right now!"  How much longer will my sweet little girl want to dance with Mommy?  Not much longer.  A fancy dinner is much less important than those few precious moments spent with my little one.  

Or how about this, "pregnancy is so uncomfortable.  I don't like being pregnant!"  All the while forgetting how I mourned when the Dr. told us that it would likely be a very difficult and long process before we could have another child, and yet, here we are!  It's a miracle!  

Sweet baby, if you read those words, I hope you will remember that your mommy is not perfect (which clearly you will already know) but, I am SO grateful to have the chance to be a Mom!  We are very excited for you to join our family!

In the past, whenever I read about Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon, I used to wonder how they could be so hard hearted.  They seriously witnessed SO many miracles and yet, every opportunity they had, they hardened their hearts and turned against God and their family.   I don't wonder anymore.  I see myself in them.  It's so, so easy to forget.  It's easier to complain, than to be grateful.  

Because of that, I'm grateful for the Lord's infinite mercy in providing the atonement.  So that imperfect complainers (like me!) can repent and keep trying to do better and be better everyday. 

And finally, a quote that I stumbled across shortly after the first one.  The entire talk really stung me and caused me to contemplate my poor attitude and the real value of the things (or rather, people) that I seemingly regarded with disdain.

"When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out.... Do not trade your birthright as a mother for some bauble of passing value....The baby you hold in your arms will grow as quickly as the sunrise and the sunset of the rushing days." -Gordon B. Hinkley

Those words of wisdom have caused me lots of contemplation lately.  I'm feeling especially sensitive to the rush of time since the arrival of Kylea's second birthday. When did she get so big? Wasn't it just yesterday that I held her in my arms for the very first time? More on that, very soon.

Making Plans and Learning Patience

(image borrowed from Google)

“Give your stress wings and let it fly away. 

~Terri Guillemets”

Previously I blogged about the focus and tunnel vision I was experiencing while waiting for the birth of our baby.  I think in my mind that the baby was for sure going to be born early.  The second she became full-term I expected her to bounce right into the world.  Though it's ridiculous to say I planned it that way, that is indeed the case.  When my plans to control nature with my mind fell through I was baffled.  Alas, I’m learning something I think I need to apply to multiple facets of my life, patience. 

We don’t always get the promotion we want when we want it, or meet that special someone when we think we should, or be able to have a baby right when we plan it.  Part of the beauty of life is the variability of it. It’s unpredictable, messy and lovely all in the same breath. 

Let me share a little physiology with you.  During pregnancy circulating levels of estrogen and progesterone increase.  These increases are paramount to the healthy development of baby during pregnancy.  During the final stages of pregnancy these hormones spike to an all time high, this helps to preparing the body for birth.  An unfortunate side effect of this spike is extra, super duper moodiness. 

Overall, if I had to describe myself I would say I am very even tempered.  Kevin’s boss was asking how I was doing and wanted to know if I was in the “cranky stage” yet.  She said during the final weeks of her pregnancy her poor husband couldn’t do anything right, she would yell at him just because she could.  Kevin laughed and said he knew I was pretty tired of being pregnant but he didn’t think I was cranky yet.  Let me be frank, internally I am a messy blob of over emotion.  I am trying my best to temper it (though irrational outbursts have occurred recently) but it’s not easy when everything is so darn annoying lately!

Normal everyday interactions somehow strike me as annoying as EVERYTHING seems to remind me that I am STILL pregnant. 

Here are some recent interactions that demonstrate what I’m trying to describe:

Well intentioned person: “well” they say, “you are almost there, just a few more days!”

Me: politely smiles and says “that’s true”….but inside I’m thinking.  “Days!!!!! Do you realize what you are saying?  Every single day feels like a year!  And you think the fact that I have a few more of them to endure will help me feel better?  I DON’T THINK SO!  I then walk away feeling ruffled and indignant.

Curious Friend:  Where’s that baby?

Me:  Again with the polite smile, and I say, “She’s still not here yet, I’m sure she’ll come when she’s ready.” But internally I’m thinking, “What do you think this belly is???? It’s not like I went on a ding-dong eating binge!  Also, do people typically leave their houses without their newborn infants?  What does she expect me to say?  Yup I had the baby!  She’s resting in her crate inside with the dog.  Don’t worry we tied a bottle to the side of the crate she can drink from if she gets hungry while we’re out.  We're choosing the natural selection parenting technique, we want to make sure our baby is at least as intelligent as a hamster before we make a commitment on keeping her.”

Neighbor who thinks he is hilarious- Are you still A ROUND…..pa ha ha ha

Me: politely laughs in return and says “well it certainly seems so!”   I’m not sure I should even write what I’m really thinking…..suffice it to say, pregnancy is not a free ticket to call a woman fat, EVER.  I am baffled by how many people don’t get that.

Neighbor’s dog:  Bark, bark, bark……..bark………bark, bark…………………. BARK!

Me:  With each bark my blood pressure rises and rises. Until finally I leap up and begin rummaging through papers for the number to security.

In between these fits of mania I am still my same rational self.  I realize that, “this too shall pass.”  I can still see the beautiful things that I am blessed with; an awesome husband who I grow to love more and more every single day, a healthy baby, an easy pregnancy, a nice place to live, jobs, the gospel etc.  When I refocus I feel the peace that I long for return to my life.  I need to give myself permission to do as the quote says, to “give my stress wings and let it fly away.”  And to realize that when things don’t go according to how I plan them, it’s because God has a better plan in mind.  

Evolution of the Baby Bump

Trimester Number ONE

8 weeks along.  Feeling a little nauseous but didn't know it was because I was pregnant!

we're having a baby!

10 weeks....still not too obvious yet.

Trimester Number TWO

baby at 19 weeks, my stomach looked very similar to the 10 week pic.

after long hiatus from belly pics. here it is at 24 weeks!

25 weeks 

Trimester Number THREE

28 weeks

32 weeks

37 weeks and 5 days... technically full term!!

Birth Day

This monday was a special day, because it was the day that it was officially safe to have the baby!  I don't think I've looked forward to anything more in my entire life.  I feel like a kid trying to sleep on Christmas Eve. How can I when SANTA is coming?!

When I wake up to baby's kicks and wiggles I say, "Good morning little one, today could be your birthday! Come on out!"  It seems like she is listening because on Saturday she "dropped".  This just means that the baby drops down into the pelvis signaling the body's preparation for labor and birth.  The doctor said he wouldn't be surprised to see her within the next two weeks. 

I can only describe myself this week as having tunnel vision.  I'm completely focused on birth and the day we get to meet our little one.  I'm surely driving everyone around me insane with my constant banter about labor and birth.  But it's an exciting time for us and my body has had about all it can take of pregnancy now.  I'm still hanging in there though and trying to remember that when the time is right, the baby will come.


As you all know I am choosing to have a natural birth using HypnoBirthing techniques.  An important part of a HypnoBirth is releasing fear and staying calm and relaxed during the birthing process.   I have found that watching a video which I originally saw in my birthing class of a woman birthing her child through hypnobirth has helped ease whatever anxiety I have had about birthing naturally.

I really believe that we need to start removing the negative connotations surrounding birthing and replace them with the reality that birth can be a physically challenging yet still positive experience.  For that reason I have attached the video.  


*****WARING******  This is a real live birth so be aware of that before you click on the link.  If I had to rate this clip I would rate it pg-13 only because she breastfeeds her infant after it's born and you get a full view of that.  That is the ONLY nudity in the clip though.  If you have been curious about how I'm going to make it through birth without an epidural watch this video, it will change your life!  Keep in mind that during the entire clip this woman is in the stage where most Hollywood movies portray women screaming and throwing things because of  how much pain they're experiencing.  See how calmly and serenely she manages the "pushing" stage, INCREDIBLE!

Calm Beautiful HypnoBirth

Sweet Dreams?

Bedtime used to be a magical time for me.  It was the time when the relief of head on pillow meant a restful night spent in the sweet release of my dreams.  Snuggled into the crook of my husband’s arm I spent the night being untethered by earthly bounds like gravity, fashion, disappointments or whatever.    To put it quite simply, I love bedtime!  I found this poem that reflects how I used to feel about bedtime.

Dream with me

Author: unknown

Dream with me

Dream with me

Cuddle up asleep

Bedtime is a magical time

Dream with me asleep

Notice the key word, USED to.  My once magical bedtime routine has turned into something more of a nightmare.  Now when I go to bed I amble through my routine with a sore pelvis and slightly puffy feet, hands and face.  I dig like a mad woman through my clothes to find comfortable (not too hot) pj’s that still fit and then proceed through the acrobatics required to change clothes these days.  I then kick the dog off his usual resting spot at the foot of the bed…. though my internal body temperature may feel fine now, I know that any amount of cuddling will cause it rapidly shoot up to what feels like the temperature of explosive hot lava.  Once ample room has been secured, I crawl into bed and begin carefully constructing the necessary pillow architecture around me to sleep.  Pillows are situated under every curve and crook of my body to support me and avoid the achy breathlessness I feel when laying down unsupported.  Now instead of snuggling into the crook of my husband’s arm I groan and flop down into my carefully constructed nest to sleep.  Dear husband crawls gingerly into bed, and leans over my substantial barrier to give me a peck goodnight and then migrates to “his side” of the bed.

I am comfortable for approximately 10 minutes, and then I get an ache.  If I ignore the ache, it grows and grows and grows until suddenly some part of my body is virtually audibly shouting at me to TURN OVER!  This is much easier said than done.  Currently my attempts at flipping over take several tries and when executed closely resemble a beached whale frantically thrashing around in our bed.  This state of affairs continues on, interrupted by frequent trips to the bathroom throughout the entire night until it becomes impossible to sleep.  The transition from attempting to sleep to knowing sleep is impossible happens because apparently sleeping has become such a chore for me that it causes me to become RAVENOUSLY hungry by approximately 4:30 am, which in turn causes the baby to pitch a fit in my belly..... sleep is now impossible. 

Needless to say this insomnia has affected my mental faculties during the day. I have found that though I begin each day bursting with excitement and anticipation and an ambitious “to-do" list, somewhere around mid afternoon I completely run out of steam and end up crash landing somewhere around the house for a nap.  I don’t really like naps; I consider them to be the ultimate waste of time (can you tell that I have definitely inherited the western culture’s sense of urgency?) 

I am frustrated by the current state of affairs, so I have rewritten the aforementioned poem, to better suit my new attitude toward bedtime which I fear will not end even after I am no longer pregnant as this means I will then be the mother of a helpless little infant….sigh.

DREAM WITH ME?

-Paula Hart

Longing to Dream

Longing to Dream

Yearning to cuddle up asleep

Bedtime is an exasperating time

Sleeping is a luxury.

Longing to dream, asleep

Dear Baby

My Dearest Baby,


How lucky I am to be your mommy.  You amaze me, every move you make within my belly confirms to me that you are growing in the way you should.  We wait with great anticipation for the day you come into the world. We have prepared a place for you in our home and in our hearts.  I am preparing myself to be your mommy, I am learning how to feed you and comfort you so that you will feel safe and secure in your new home.


I hope that our diligence in helping you feel safe and secure in your infancy creates a lasting impression on you.  May you always feel safe to run to my arms, no matter how big you may be.  May we grow nearer to each other as the years wear on and not farther apart.


May you grow to be healthy and happy and may you remember your childhood with fondness.  I wish for you to accomplish all that you dream and we promise to do all that we can help you achieve your dreams.


I promise sweet baby to talk to you in a way that you will listen and to listen to you in such a way that you will talk.  I promise to love you no matter what you do.


Believe in the power of prayer my sweet baby, believe in the power of love.  Believe in the power of my love for you.  I love you, we’ll meet soon.


With all the Love in my Heart,
Your Mommy

Shopping Makes Me Ungrateful

Just yesterday I was peacefully at home doing some morning studying while digesting a delicious breakfast I had just made myself.  This is not my normal routine, on a normal day the dog comes first.  On this particular day I just didn’t feel like walking yet, at 9:00am it was already a spicy 85 degrees outside.  So I ignored his needs and saw to mine, big mistake.

When I popped up from studying to check on him all seemed well, he was chewing a toy….WAIT those are MY sandals!!!!!!!! You little stinker butt!!!!  Not only had he chewed them he had devoured a whole side.  (See exhibit A below)

Exhibit A- one chewed sandal

Those were somewhat expensive as far as sandals go, and they were my favorite because they match my purse, which makes me feel fresh and accessorized.  In my pregnant state not many things make me feel cute or put together but these sandals could pull any outfit together.  Farewell my friends.

Exhibit B-matching purse

When I talked to Kevin I told him the bad news to which his nonchalant response was, “ just go buy some new ones.”  I tried to argue that I couldn’t possibly do that; we have too many things to buy for the baby, blah, blah, and blah.  Deep down inside I was avoiding the department store because I was afraid of awakening my alter ego, shopping-Paula.

Shopping-Paula resembles regular everyday Paula in many ways.  She looks like her, talks like her, and laughs like her, which is why it’s so difficult to recognize her for what she is when she emerges.  

On this day regular-Paula entered Old Navy for a pair of $3 flip-flops.  Regular Paula makes a bee-line (or is it b line?)  to the wall of flip-flops to select a sensible pair to replace the destroyed ones.  Upon reaching the wall the switch begins to occur, a bright shiny sign displaying a SALE!  Two pairs for only $5.00!  Shopping-Paula reasons that with the sale each individual pair is now only $2.50 a whole $0.50 cheaper than what she had expected.  Feeling like she has a surplus of money now she cruises each pair of flip-flops selects two pairs (instead of just one like regular-Paula had intended to buy) and then sets off to peruse the rest of the store.

Shopping-Paula is inherently ungrateful, she hates everything that she owns at home and is convinced that she has nothing at all that is nice to wear. So, she loads her arms with clothing, being especially attracted to anything that is “on sale” even if that sale only saves her a few cents. 

Somewhere along the line regular-Paula tries to take over, she says, “Maybe you ought to add up what all of that will cost you.  And perhaps you had better try them on to see if it’s something that you would even wear.”  Shopping-Paula agrees, “Yes!  Try them on!”  On her way to the dressing room she grabs several more items, just in case she hates that one shirt she’s thinking about.   

The dressing room is where the battle between my alter ego and me becomes especially frightening.  I will spare you the details for fear that it will sound too much like Smeagle and Gollum duking it out for “my precious”.  Suffice it to say that eventually the two came to a compromise and I left the store with only two pairs of flip-flops, and two shirts instead of the loads of outfits Shopping-Paula had selected.

Why does shopping elicit such a response in me?  Why can’t I walk through the store and notice nice things without becoming ungrateful for everything I have and swirling into my binge shopping alter-ego?   Who knows, all I know is that I love this shirt and this outfit makes me feel fresh and accessorized.

*Disclaimer

This blog is in no way an admission of mental illness.  Shopping-Paula is harmless and should not be feared by anyone, except my debit card…..and possibly my husband.

Sign These Papers and.... Leave Your Dignity At The Door

We finally got to meet the doctor who will delivering our baby!  I really liked him he had a very calm demeanor and put all of our questions to rest.  And that was no easy task, Kevin grilled him like a hamburger on the 4^th of July.  He asked him all sorts of questions like how long he had been doing this and how successful he has been..... it was very thorough.

We want to do hypnobirthing and he was very reassuring saying it was the best technique he has seen for natural child birth and he does quite a few hypnobirths.  He also reassured us that St. Mark’s is a great hospital for that as they have lots of nurses who are hypnobirth trained and every other room has a Jacuzzi tub to sit in while laboring, apparently the warm jets help.  So as long as baby doesn’t decide to be born on a busy night we should get one of those rooms.

The appointments are now going to be every two weeks, and are getting much more personal.  I’m learning that I will have to set whatever dignity I feel like I have aside, as there will be no such thing as privacy for the next couple months. 

To illustrate my point here is a brief overview of my last appointment........

Please step onto this scale we don't have your records from your previous doctor yet, what was your starting weight?  Now in my best announcer voice I will do math out loud and declare to everyone standing around how much weight you have gained.  Don't look embarrassed it's natural.

What?  You hate the way your stomach looks right now?  We don’t care, pull that shirt up and lets just talk while you lay there exposed and I take FOREVER to get the listening device out.

What?  You haven’t had that shot yet?  No, put your sleeve down, drop your drawers, cross your legs and turn around and grab the end of this table please.  Now walk around rubbing your bum for the rest of the day or the injection site will punish you with pain like you've never experienced from a shot before.

Last, please take this cup and pee into it.  Good news!  We’ll let you do that by yourself, but I’m going to sit here snickering because I know how much trouble you will have trying to do it with that giant stomach blocking you.

End of appointment, not end of loss of dignity and here's why....

So, I leave the office feeling only slightly ruffled and crawl into our hot car all the while rubbing the spot where my bum had been attacked by vaccinations.  And there waiting in the cup holder of the console of the car is my water bottle.  It’s a new one and I love it because it’s like a nalgene bottle but instead of having to unscrew the top to drink you just flip up a little built in straw.  It’s amazing! Feeling parched I snatch up my beloved water bottle and flip the straw up for a cool refreshing drink.  

Without warning my beloved water bottle began spewing water with all the force of an erupting volcano through the straw. Naturally the bottle was pointed at my face since my intention had been to take a sip, so water is now exploding into my face and pooling on the seat soaking me entirely. I should mention that because the seats are leather the water is pooling to the back of the seat leaving a perfect, " I just peed myself" wet spot on my pants.

What could I do?   After the bottle quit erupting I looked at Kevin with mascara dripping down my face and we both just started hysterically laughing.

We end the trip with me waddling back into the house, soaking wet with mascara dripping down my face just in time for our neighbors to come out and say "hello!" while trying not to stare at me.

And so I have reached the decision that I will in fact leave my dignity at the door (as the nurse who had me drop my drawers suggested I do.) I’m sure it only gets better from here.

Yogis are Satan's Minions

I’m taking a class this semester called “stress management” it’s to fulfill an elective credit. The class is awesome, my professor is a complete hippie and as long as you show up you are guaranteed an A.

Part of managing stress is exercising, because of endorphins etc. So the professor’s genius idea was to invite her (rather annoying) friend who happens to be a yoga instructor to do an hour long yoga session with the class. Normally I am a huge fan of yoga because it’s so stretching and relaxing. But at six months pregnant I found it to be anything but relaxing.

The majority of the poses were done laying flat on your back which made it extremely difficult to breath. I had to keep flipping over to my side to gasp in a few breaths before attempting the techniques. I was boiling about being so fat can’t put my knees to my chest when the yoga instructor decides that this position is what we will do next.

Yoga instructor- “ok my little beams of sunlight, now we will open to grace with this shoulder stand” rises to shoulder stand then lowers legs to her face, she now bears a striking resemblance to a pretzel.

Me: attempts shoulder stand, blocked by baby, groans lays on floor like bump on log

Yoga instructor- walking around room stops at me, “how are you doing?”

Me-feeling embarrassed, “my baby won’t let me do that pose, so I’m just going to lay here. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem for me but I’m pregnant.” (I have a persistent need to describe to people how agile I am whilst not pregnant….I don’t know why)

Yoga Instructor- “Let me help you!” Grabs my feet yanks me to shoulder stand, “Now, open to grace my little flower.”

Me: now incapable of breathing at all turning red in the face uttering tiny raspy gasps in my attempt to breath.

Yoga Instructor- Beaming, “how are you doing?”

Me: not wanting to be a wimp, “fine”

Yoga Instructor- After holding feet for ridiculously long time then decides that she will leave me on my own and walk away.

Me: unable to support myself in that position crashes to ground causing such a raucous that the entire room turns to stare.

I should point out that it is now about 9:00pm, all I really want is to get in my jammies and snuggle in for the night. Instead I endure another half hour of beaming sunshine, and grace and various types of flowers that she feels the need to call us whilst inflicting the worst kind of torture possible on me.

Now I understand why most yoga gyms offer “prenatal” yoga classes. I’m sure they don’t ask those women to balance on their heads or lay on their stomachs and bend like pretzels. Until I experience an adaptive class fit for my “condition” I am now completely convinced that yogi’s are the driving force of Satan’s minions, they are pure evil.

Predator

There are a few times in your life when you are most susceptible to predatory marketing. Since I am still young I have run across three times when I feel that people really try hard to sell you things that you don’t need. (there are quite possibly more than this)

Encounter number one, graduation. Whether this is from high school or college marketers gather together to capitalize off of your hard work. You find yourself buying things that you never thought you needed but now wonder how you would ever live without. Marketers say buy this $80 frame to commemorate all of your hard work, and this keychain, and this “collector’s” tassel, and these overpriced announcements. If you are not careful you will end up spending more on graduation than you did on Christmas. Yikes!

Encounter number two, wedding. One image I can’t get out of my mind is the donkey faced (really, his face very closely resembled a donkey, the oversized dentures contributed to this) diamond salesmen, stalking around the counter feeding Kevin (who was a valet and struggling actor at the time) lines about how this would be the MOST important purchase of his life, and he better make it big because women only care about huge diamonds and not the men they are about to marry...right? ( Yucky sexist attitude!!!) What? You can’t really afford a 10karat marquis cut diamond? No problem we have FINANCING! And real men finance big rings they can't afford because they love their fiances so much. Though this talk ruffled my lovey's feathers a little he didn't fall for it. My ring is not 10karats but it’s beautiful and I love it! And the best part is, it is completely paid off.

After you make it past the purchase of diamond ring don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. The predation is far from over. Stop by a wedding show and you will meet vendor after vendor marketing you things you never thought you would need, but suddenly want/need very badly. Don’t fall for it! The wedding is NOT worth going into massive debt for. Sure you've been dreaming of this moment your whole life but it is after all just one moment in the big story that will be the rest of your lives together. Besides the details aren’t what make a wedding beautiful; the commitment to your spouse is what REALLY matters. And just think, that beauty is so often lost in all the bellyaching over whether or not the table linens you picked perfectly match the Gerber daisy centerpiece, and hissy fits on the wedding day because flower arrangements differ slightly from what you thought they would be, not worth it! Fortunately we were able to dodge that bullet and left the ceremony and reception with no outstanding debts.

Encounter number three, birth of child. I was AMAZED at the list of “necessary” items I was told I needed for my baby. I found myself wondering how cave infants ever survived. I soon learned that you don’t NEED special blankets for swaddling, rectangular ones work just fine for that too, if you take time to learn. Some of my more experienced and wiser friends and family assured me that infants need surprisingly little when they are first born. So we have spent time and money trying to focus on what we need and just a few of the extras.

This task of weeding through what is and is not needed was VERY difficult, but I believe I have narrowed down the list to a reasonable size. So I have FINALLY registered, YAY! I will admit not everything on the registry is necessary. I included some things that I think will just be nice amenities to have, like a wipe warmer.

If you would like to check it out we are registered at Babies r Us (http://www.babiesrus.com) go to “find registry” then type in our last name, first name, city and state (Murray, UT) and it should pop it right up. You can also stop by your local Babies r Us and ask at customer service and they should be able to help you bring up a copy of our registry.

So beware of those who stalk around the happy moments of our life, like lions in the grass of the Savannah they’re just waiting to jump in for the kill.

Things that go bump in the night

Have you ever allowed someone to tell you a scary story and though you’re an adult and logically know there is no such thing as monsters, when you shut off the lights and go to bed every last corner of your house seems to have something like this lurking around.

See, this is scary. What could it be? Probably a half faced ghost with blood soaked fangs, but you can't tell because it's dark.

Well that’s what my night was like last night. Some friends got off talking about scary things during our ride home from Chili's and by the time we got home we were all so unnerved that one couple (who conveniently live just across the hall from us) came over to our house for a little Wii Mario Party instead of going straight home, to lighten the mood. This helped immensely and when I went to bed I was in incredibly light spirits and thought, huh I guess I've overcome my wimpiness.

While Mario Party helped sleep come quickly initially it did not prevent me from waking up drenched in sweat with my heart racing like I had just broken the world record in the 400m sprint, repeatedly through the night. Some of that adrenaline must have gone straight to baby because she was bouncing around in my belly with a ferocity I have never before experienced. By 4:40am I had enough of pretending to sleep and so I got up to read, write in my journal and watch a movie in the living room... with every light on.

Movie selection when I am terrified is a very delicate process, the movie needs to lighten my mood yet be innocent enough to invite those warm fuzzies into my home. After perusing my selection I decided that nothing is warmer and fuzzier than Santa (except Jesus, but we didn’t have any movies about him), so I watched “Miracle on 34^th Street” and FINALLY got some sleep.

The moral of the story is that I have not overcome my wimpiness at all. I am still absolutely incapable of dealing with anything dark at all. So I stand by my previous conclusion that all scary movies, haunted houses, and personal stories of encounters with the “other world” are things that I should avoid at all costs. In the future if necessary I will resort to the childish, yet effective method of jamming my fingers in my ears while “la, la, la’ing” while such things go on around me. I know, I’m not normal at all…

24 Weeks???

When life gets busy something bizarre happens to me. I lose track of all time. Before I went back into school I vigilantly tracked my pregnancy, I could tell you to the week and day how far along I was.

A requirement of pregnancy seems to be sharing your brain with unborn baby. (Maybe a better description is, it’s like having your brain hijacked by said infant because sharing sounds voluntary and pleasant, which it is not) I say this because lately I feel about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. The once seemingly simple task of tracking classes and what to do has become so complex to me that it has taken over my mind, there’s no room in there for any other information.

Such as, did I take my pre-natal vitamin this morning, or did I call that place that Kevin politely reminds me to every single day. I’m not intentionally being dull it just happened, things aren’t sticking well. Fortunately I’ve devised a way around my forgetfulness. I’ve resorted to carrying around a pen and paper with a list of necessary items and tasks for the day and keeping checklists around the house, I’ve always been a list maker but usually the lists were a way for me to feel that I could organize things on paper and then store the info in my brain. It’s strange being totally dependent on a piece of paper; it’s become an addendum to my brain.

The point is, in this chaos I have completely lost track of how pregnant I actually am. My sense of time is skewed so suddenly (in my mind) I was sailing through the weeks. Just yesterday I was thinking, “I’ve got to be getting close to 30 weeks!” When I did the calculations I am actually only 24 weeks along.

Hey, 24 weeks is great! But when you are starting to feel uncomfortable, back aches, frequent potty trips, mild swelling, and overheating when the temp gets anywhere above 71 degrees it’s a bit disheartening to lose weeks, even if they never existed in the first place.

The good news is I love being a mommy. I’ve been trying to drink in every last moment thinking things like, I should write down what times of day she’s most active so that I can tell her when she’s old enough to understand (like something like that will be interesting to her) We spend the nights before I fall asleep giving my belly little pokes to which her response is to rush to the spot and poke back. I call it the poking game and it makes me smile, these are our first interactions with the little girl. As much as the amazing human body fascinated me before it has exponentially increased my fascination. The birth of every child really is a MIRACLE. And it’s an honor to get to be such an important part of it.

It’s fun to see Kevin getting excited too, he has little talks with her about how she needs to keep kicking mommy because he wants her to be shooting free-throws by the time she’s 30 minutes old. He also likes to play her Billy Packer’s version of, “One Shining Moment.” and the Notre Dame fight song.  I think she will come out a little irish fan because she dances up a storm in belly when we play it for her.

So this little baby becomes an even bigger part of our lives already. And if it takes a few months of forgetfulness and some less than welcome changes to my body I say bring it on, because it’s already been worth it!

Natural vs Medicated

Question of the day, natural or medicated childbirth? The decision time has come, it’s time to sign up for childbirthing classes and it has left me with the tough decision of which one to sign up for. Should I do the regular childbirth class for mothers who will most likely choose a medicated labor, the natural birth option which covers several different options for coping with natural childbirth, or the hypnobirth class which focuses on the specific technique of hypnobirthing to cope with childbirth.

I had never even considered natural childbirth prior to getting pregnant, I always just thought why suffer in pain when there are medications that can make it painless? But as I have learned more facts and gained some more insight I’m beginning to see the benefit of having this baby naturally.

Here is a short list of some benefits of natural childbirth that I have found;

1. Mothers who labor naturally can move freely, go to the bathroom, walk and change positions throughout labor. According to the Cochrane Review, recent studies have shown that getting medication makes changing positions even after birth more difficult.

2. Since you can feel your body's reflexes in natural childbirth, mothers can push better and generally faster. In fact studies show that getting an epidural prolongs your pushing time.

3. The pain during labor serves a purpose by guiding the mother to seek certain positions. For example, if her back hurts, she will naturally seek positions off her back which can help to turn her baby. Having back pain is one sign that the baby might be posterior and needs to rotate.

4. Mothers often describe that their recovery after a natural childbirth was faster and easier since they could get right up and walk and shower. Usually they eat right away and their appetite is normal. (a plus since the pain killers for my wisdom teeth made me violently ill)

5. Endorphins secreted during a natural childbirth have been found in the placenta and umbilical cord. This may serve a purpose to help the baby adjust to life outside as well as make the journey more comfortable for baby.

6. Research has shown that in mothers who have natural childbirth, babies are more alert and show more interest in pre-breast feeding behaviors such as sucking, as well as the actual length of time they spend nursing within the first 90 minutes.

That is a pretty convincing list of arguments! All of which I had never previously considered.

Here’s a list of reasons to have a medicated labor;

1. Mothers who are having a very long labor can benefit from using pain medication to get some rest before the pushing stage.

2. If the mother is tensing up during contractions, pain medication can help her relax so that her body is not fighting against the labor.

3. If the mother has a lot of fear about birth or issues from her past, it may affect the progress of her labor. At times, medication may help to ease her anxiety.

Also, a good reasons to have a medicated labor. But it seems that the evidence supports opting for a natural childbirth initially and if it carries on for to long to resort to medication.

So that decision is made now, which method do I use to cope with the labor? It’s a very difficult decision. I had no idea how many options there are out there associated with everything related to children and babies. And there seems to be no right answer, it’s simply a matter of preference. So I suppose I’ll just have to put my mind to work on this problem and search out which method fits me and my needs the best.

Sweet Child of Mine

I just got back from my appointment with the ultrasound tech and…..it’s a baby Girl! I just have to say that requiring a pregnant woman to consume 32 ounces of water immediately prior to pushing and prodding around her stomach for an hour is pure torture! Yes ma’am I have always dreamed of peeing my pants, please continue jabbing my bladder with that machine!

I have been looking forward to this appointment not just because I was curious if my little “shim” was a she or a he but because I have been plagued for weeks with dreams of my baby being horribly deformed because of me. In one particular dream a haughty ultrasound tech pushes the wand into my swollen stomach to reveal an image of a deformed baby and then declares, “Your baby’s brain is not fully formed because you didn’t drink enough water ma-ma.” Then later on in the ultrasound she yells out, “Look at those deformed feet! That’s because of the ham sandwich you insisted on eating! Didn’t read about listerosis?” Of course I’m horrified exclaiming things like, “But I DID drink a lot of water!” or “It was just ONE sandwich!”

I have no question where these nightmares originated, have you read half the warnings they give pregnant women? Drink lots of water but don’t hold your pee too long, don’t eat anything off this mile long list, do eat these extremely obscure food items like wheat germ (meh?), eat fish it’s good for you, no don’t eat fish there are trace amounts of mercury in it. Do exercise but not too much. These rules as contradictory as they are, are absolutely inarguably inflexible, people don’t mess around! You know you’re pregnant when someone shoots you the evil eye for enjoying a piece of cheese before disgustedly asking if you are SURE that is pasteurized.

My rant aside, I was so hyped up with the tales of all that could go wrong that by the time I got to the ultrasound table I was violently shaking with nerves. Kevin touched my arm to see if I was cold and when he felt my warm skin he just looked at me oddly. So it was an enormous relief to hear, it’s a baby girl, she’s got a strong heart, she has all her bones, her brain is well formed, her pallet is not cleft, her feet are normal….she’s healthy! I’ve never felt such sweet relief, all I could think was I did it! I got her this far and now I feel confident I can get her the rest of the way into this world as a healthy fully functioning human being. We’re already halfway there little baby!

After putting my fears to rest came the fun part, getting to see the 3-d images and 4-d footage of my little girl. I can’t describe the feeling of looking at such a precious little thing drinking, getting the hiccups, sucking her thumb, holding onto her big toe and nuzzling her little face into the comforting walls of the uterus she currently calls home. I got to take home a disc of ultrasound images and footage and I am mesmerized by her little face. Look what we have made, she is beautiful!

The ultrasound was an awesome experience. It completely replaced my doubt and anxiety with love and excitement. Also, it made this baby (who I still can’t feel) come to life for me and my husband. Now I just can’t wait to meet my little baby, but not yet…. not yet.

We're having a Baby!!

How is it that one little word can have such a dramatic impact on our lives? Think how it feels to be told you are loved.  There's one word that can change your life forever, the word "pregnant." After lots of planning and talking we decided in August that we would "take out the goalie" so to speak and let nature increase our family.


Month after month when I thought I had waited long enough for nature's sign that there is no baby a brewing I would grow restless and impatient and I would rush to the store to purchase pregnancy tests, speed home, take them immediately and then stand in the bathroom waiting on pins and needles for the response. The whole time thinking, "am I REALLY ready for this?" Only to be somewhat relieved to see that for at least one more month I was "not pregnant."


By February I had become so bored with my regular routine that I took the test and left it on the counter for a good half hour before nonchalantly returning to see my results. Much to my amazement the little test read, "pregnant." I blinked, blinked again, rubbed my eyes and stared.  The shock of the moment finally struck me and a few tears squeezed out. Not knowing whether to believe it, I took the second test in the box waited on pins and needles for the result of "pregnant" to show up once again.  The little video above was my way of announcing to Kevin that we were on the journey to parenthood. He watched it, smiled (I thought I even saw a tear glisten in his eye) and said, "well I guess we'll have to start budgeting a lot better."


Doctors, and the constant nauseating ache in my stomach, confirm that there is a little human growing in there. Actually, the fact that I'm pregnant explains a lot. I spent the better part of our cruise either thinking I was sea sick or havinga reaction to the food.  I guess I will have to try escargot another time.....like when I am not pregnant. It also explains why the very sight of chicken noodle soup (usually my favorite) makes me want to lose my lunch on the spot and various other changes. Little baby, you're a trouble maker for me already!