Shopping Makes Me Ungrateful

Just yesterday I was peacefully at home doing some morning studying while digesting a delicious breakfast I had just made myself.  This is not my normal routine, on a normal day the dog comes first.  On this particular day I just didn’t feel like walking yet, at 9:00am it was already a spicy 85 degrees outside.  So I ignored his needs and saw to mine, big mistake.

When I popped up from studying to check on him all seemed well, he was chewing a toy….WAIT those are MY sandals!!!!!!!! You little stinker butt!!!!  Not only had he chewed them he had devoured a whole side.  (See exhibit A below)

Exhibit A- one chewed sandal

Those were somewhat expensive as far as sandals go, and they were my favorite because they match my purse, which makes me feel fresh and accessorized.  In my pregnant state not many things make me feel cute or put together but these sandals could pull any outfit together.  Farewell my friends.

Exhibit B-matching purse

When I talked to Kevin I told him the bad news to which his nonchalant response was, “ just go buy some new ones.”  I tried to argue that I couldn’t possibly do that; we have too many things to buy for the baby, blah, blah, and blah.  Deep down inside I was avoiding the department store because I was afraid of awakening my alter ego, shopping-Paula.

Shopping-Paula resembles regular everyday Paula in many ways.  She looks like her, talks like her, and laughs like her, which is why it’s so difficult to recognize her for what she is when she emerges.  

On this day regular-Paula entered Old Navy for a pair of $3 flip-flops.  Regular Paula makes a bee-line (or is it b line?)  to the wall of flip-flops to select a sensible pair to replace the destroyed ones.  Upon reaching the wall the switch begins to occur, a bright shiny sign displaying a SALE!  Two pairs for only $5.00!  Shopping-Paula reasons that with the sale each individual pair is now only $2.50 a whole $0.50 cheaper than what she had expected.  Feeling like she has a surplus of money now she cruises each pair of flip-flops selects two pairs (instead of just one like regular-Paula had intended to buy) and then sets off to peruse the rest of the store.

Shopping-Paula is inherently ungrateful, she hates everything that she owns at home and is convinced that she has nothing at all that is nice to wear. So, she loads her arms with clothing, being especially attracted to anything that is “on sale” even if that sale only saves her a few cents. 

Somewhere along the line regular-Paula tries to take over, she says, “Maybe you ought to add up what all of that will cost you.  And perhaps you had better try them on to see if it’s something that you would even wear.”  Shopping-Paula agrees, “Yes!  Try them on!”  On her way to the dressing room she grabs several more items, just in case she hates that one shirt she’s thinking about.   

The dressing room is where the battle between my alter ego and me becomes especially frightening.  I will spare you the details for fear that it will sound too much like Smeagle and Gollum duking it out for “my precious”.  Suffice it to say that eventually the two came to a compromise and I left the store with only two pairs of flip-flops, and two shirts instead of the loads of outfits Shopping-Paula had selected.

Why does shopping elicit such a response in me?  Why can’t I walk through the store and notice nice things without becoming ungrateful for everything I have and swirling into my binge shopping alter-ego?   Who knows, all I know is that I love this shirt and this outfit makes me feel fresh and accessorized.

*Disclaimer

This blog is in no way an admission of mental illness.  Shopping-Paula is harmless and should not be feared by anyone, except my debit card…..and possibly my husband.

Flow

Being an exercise and sport science major in college has led me to exposure to a variety of applications of this field.  One of the applications is sport psychology.  It was in this class that I learned Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi’s (pronounced chicks-n-mah-hall-ya) concept of flow.

Flow is completely focused motivation.  It is single-minded immersion and represents the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning.  In flow the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized and aligned wit the task at hand.  Flow is nothing new to athletes and is often referred to as being “in the zone”, or “in the groove”.  Csikzentmihalyi emphasizes that flow can be a learned state and that athletes can spend more of their performance time in this ideal state when they learn how to harness it.

One of my most meaningful experiences with flow occurred my freshman year of highschool.  I loved to swim and so I joined the swim team.  Though I could swim well enough to survive a nice leisure swim I found competitive swimming left me in the dust and I spent most of the season performing about as well as you would expect someone who had never even heard of a dolphin kick to perform, very mediocre.  Despite this fact, I loved the sport and loved learning and growing in it.

Before long districts rolled around and the team loaded onto a nice charter bus to go down to a town that was a couple hours away.  Those who qualified for the second day of districts would stay at a hotel with the team and then compete the next day. Those who did not qualify would be sent on the ride of shame home on a school bus that very night.

I wanted desperately to be able to stay and compete the next day and the entire trip down to the meet I spent in quiet meditation.  I pictured every flip turn, every stroke….my goal; not to get last place, it would be humiliating to get last place.    Being nowhere near the star of the team I was only entered in one single event, the breaststroke.  This event is the second to last in a swim meet, so I had the ENTIRE day to sit and think and think and think about my race.

When the moment came for my swim I was more focused than I had ever been in my entire life; every fiber of my body was focused on the event on hand.  The buzzer sounded and I dove.  The familiar peace of the water surrounded me and I pushed myself as hard as I could, the peace only interrupted by my bobs above water for air.  After my second turn I took a peek to the right and then to the left….there was no one in sight and my heart sank because I knew I was in dead last place. 

More invigorated than ever I pushed even harder.  I pulled and kicked with all my might to the finish line if I was going to be last at least I could set a PR.  Upon completion my body felt rubbery and my head swimmy.  I turned around and realized that I hadn’t been able to see anyone because I was so far ahead, not behind those in my heat.  I had beat everyone in my heat by at least a pool length and set a new personal best that was a full 10-15 seconds (time has made this number difficult to remember) faster than my fastest time all season.  It was one of the most fulfilling and exciting races of my life.

Over the next few years my swimming skills increased and I was no longer struggling for last place on my swims.  But year after year the strange phenomenon continued, I performed leaps and bounds better at the district meet than I had all year.  

I credit my success at those meets to the set-up of such events.  We got the entire day off of school and a whole day to focus on just one thing, swimming.  This allowed me to perform in a way I had never thought possible.

I relive this small victory because we just attended our first hypnobirthing class and the concepts I learned in our first class sounded very similar to this “flow” experience.   I was relieved to hear that hypnosis is not the cheesy dangling a watch in front of your face saying, “you are feeling sleepy” then snapping the person into unconsciousness.  They related it more to the focus you find while engrossed in a book, or staring into a fire. 

The message is, when you prepare for birth by releasing preconceived feelings of fear and trepidation and greet the birthing process with calm relaxation and focus you can experience a more comfortable birth.  I left the class feeling ultimately empowered and believing in the power of my own mind and the ability of my body to birth a baby.  This is what these were created to do, bring a baby into the world, why should I be afraid?

I found this quote particularly inspirational:

How we give birth matters!

What our babies experience shapes who they are.

What a mother experiences at the very transition form maiden to other changes her. Gentle, natural birth unlocks something primal at our very core that makes mothering easier (and) makes families stronger…If parents would only realize that every single decision they make from conception onward influence the outcome of their birth, they could reclaim what they didn’t even know was lost.

-Kim Wildner,  Mother’s intention

I loved the physiological and medical explanations supporting natural childbirth. We learned how natural (not synthetic) oxytocin stimulate uterine contractions and promote bonding between mother and baby, how adrenaline kicks in at the end in a healthy way and how all these hormones and systems work together in harmony to deliver an infant safely into your arms. 

We then compared this to synthetic induction, pain relievers and medical interventions and how this changes everything from the temperament of the baby to the degree of bonding between baby and parents.

So I’ve been listening to birthing affirmations as well as the self-hypnosis track that is supposed to be training me to go into deep relaxation during birth. With every listen I feel more reassured and peaceful about the arrival of my baby girl.  It's funny how it has changed even my outlook beyond birth, I feel much more peace about welcoming our little one into our home as well.  

I’m thinking of birth as a tremendous challenge that if prepared for properly I can handle with grace.  So I release all the fear I previously had associated with childbirth and look forward to the day with joy and excitement.

Sign These Papers and.... Leave Your Dignity At The Door

We finally got to meet the doctor who will delivering our baby!  I really liked him he had a very calm demeanor and put all of our questions to rest.  And that was no easy task, Kevin grilled him like a hamburger on the 4^th of July.  He asked him all sorts of questions like how long he had been doing this and how successful he has been..... it was very thorough.

We want to do hypnobirthing and he was very reassuring saying it was the best technique he has seen for natural child birth and he does quite a few hypnobirths.  He also reassured us that St. Mark’s is a great hospital for that as they have lots of nurses who are hypnobirth trained and every other room has a Jacuzzi tub to sit in while laboring, apparently the warm jets help.  So as long as baby doesn’t decide to be born on a busy night we should get one of those rooms.

The appointments are now going to be every two weeks, and are getting much more personal.  I’m learning that I will have to set whatever dignity I feel like I have aside, as there will be no such thing as privacy for the next couple months. 

To illustrate my point here is a brief overview of my last appointment........

Please step onto this scale we don't have your records from your previous doctor yet, what was your starting weight?  Now in my best announcer voice I will do math out loud and declare to everyone standing around how much weight you have gained.  Don't look embarrassed it's natural.

What?  You hate the way your stomach looks right now?  We don’t care, pull that shirt up and lets just talk while you lay there exposed and I take FOREVER to get the listening device out.

What?  You haven’t had that shot yet?  No, put your sleeve down, drop your drawers, cross your legs and turn around and grab the end of this table please.  Now walk around rubbing your bum for the rest of the day or the injection site will punish you with pain like you've never experienced from a shot before.

Last, please take this cup and pee into it.  Good news!  We’ll let you do that by yourself, but I’m going to sit here snickering because I know how much trouble you will have trying to do it with that giant stomach blocking you.

End of appointment, not end of loss of dignity and here's why....

So, I leave the office feeling only slightly ruffled and crawl into our hot car all the while rubbing the spot where my bum had been attacked by vaccinations.  And there waiting in the cup holder of the console of the car is my water bottle.  It’s a new one and I love it because it’s like a nalgene bottle but instead of having to unscrew the top to drink you just flip up a little built in straw.  It’s amazing! Feeling parched I snatch up my beloved water bottle and flip the straw up for a cool refreshing drink.  

Without warning my beloved water bottle began spewing water with all the force of an erupting volcano through the straw. Naturally the bottle was pointed at my face since my intention had been to take a sip, so water is now exploding into my face and pooling on the seat soaking me entirely. I should mention that because the seats are leather the water is pooling to the back of the seat leaving a perfect, " I just peed myself" wet spot on my pants.

What could I do?   After the bottle quit erupting I looked at Kevin with mascara dripping down my face and we both just started hysterically laughing.

We end the trip with me waddling back into the house, soaking wet with mascara dripping down my face just in time for our neighbors to come out and say "hello!" while trying not to stare at me.

And so I have reached the decision that I will in fact leave my dignity at the door (as the nurse who had me drop my drawers suggested I do.) I’m sure it only gets better from here.

Photoshop Fun

I downloaded a trial from photoshop and have been playing around with some of the things that you can do to photos.  It's amazing what you can do with that program!

Ira sniffing flowers

Baby Tekoa at the baseball feild by Tanner Park

Wedding hands

Wedding Day

We'll see what else I learn before my trial runs out.  Who knows I may be purchasing it when it does.

Red, White and Blue all Over

Sometimes the greatest times in life can be the simplest. We had lots and lots of options for this 4th of July Celebration. We had friends going to a carnival, then a parade and finally fireworks. Still others were planning on going to a firework show at the park, and some others were having a BBQ. We considered going with them but decided against it as I can’t ride any of the carnival rides and sitting outdoors for 6-8 hours sounded like torture (I know, lately I’m the worst party killer ever) I don’t know if anyone else experiences this during pregnancy but my tailbone KILLS! It feels like bone on bone grating when I walk or sit in the same position for too long. So watching everyone else play on the carnival rides and then sitting at a parade followed by fireworks sounded like the worst idea ever.

So instead of a wild and crazy night of partying we had our own fun night. We watched “The Sandlot” ate a hobo tinfoil dinner got some ice cream and then headed up to the avenues to watch all the firework shows in the valley light off. It really was cool because we got to see all the shows; the great ones and the not so great ones.  So we could tune out the not so great ones and just enjoy the great ones. 

There’s something about those simple moments, eating ice cream, watching fireworks with husband and pup that are beautiful and the truly unforgettable moments. I could tell baby was enjoying the fireworks by her little jumps in my belly each time one lit off.

I’m glad to be an American, glad to have a day to celebrate my independence. And glad my little girl has the opportunity to be born here in this country.  Flawed it may be, but it’s my home and I really do love it.

Nesting

nesting [ˈnɛstɪŋ]

n

(Psychology) the tendency to arrange one's immediate surroundings, such as a work station, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control

Nesting; I have it bad. The last post I made I already whined about how out of control busy my life is to add to that, over the last couple weeks I’ve found myself feeling this undying desire to get EVERYTHING in my house situated for the baby. The house is clean (I like to keep things pretty clean and so does my lovey) but it feels filthy to me. I’m noticing things like dusty floor boards and a semi-unorganized drawer, door knobs that, come to think of it never have been sanitized…..ridiculous nitpicky little things are driving me bonkers!! If I had even one free moment I’m sure I would be at my house with a toothbrush.

The good thing about this nesting thing is how much excitement it has brought me over the impending birth of our baby into the world. I keep taking out the different baby items we have accumulated so I can look at them. Before a couple weeks ago I thought, “what adorable little baby things these are! “ Now when I look at them I can almost see my squirmy little baby kicking around in the adorable little onsies, and tiny footie jammies or see her snuggled up like a little baby burrito in the blankies. I keep messing with her crib, folding and unfolding clothing, situating toys around the crib etc. I’m REALLY excited.

We still have a couple short months left and I can wait until she’s ready to come into the world as a chubby healthy little baby. Until then, I guess I will just have to drive my husband crazy with my obsessive compulsive cleaning and folding and preparing for a few more months….lucky him!

not the most flattering picture of me but this is the belly at 28 weeks prego!

Know Thy Limits

New life lesson learned, "know thy limits." This should be a universal commandment for all women. I think as a whole we are so stretched thin on a daily basis that it's a wonder we do what we do at all.

My own limits were made very obvious to me recently. I thought that I was superwoman, yes I can take 18 credits at school, work 25+ hours a week, be pregnant and take care of my personal life. Really it doesn't sound like much...'til you live it.

Experts suggest that to be successful in school you should study 3-4 hours per credit hour you take per week which would equal about 54-72 hrs a week of studying. So, 54 hrs of studying + 25 hrs of working+ 7hr/wk walking dog+ personal time (eating, showering etc)14 hr a week+8 hr week commuting to school/work+ 4 hrs week of church/meetings+ 1-2 hrs week preparing lessons for church+ 7 hrs week cooking(healthy food so baby is healthy)+ 2 hrs week cleaning/laundry (should be more if I wanted my house to be really nice)=122hr week of responsibilities (not including any time for leisure time activities such as time with friends or husband...poor husband) If I sleep 8 hrs a night that leaves me with 112 hrs a week to do all 122 hrs of just studying, working, walking the dog.....

It's easy to see that there are literally too few hours a day for everything that I need to do. This schedule has really begun to take a toll on me, I'm sleeping horribly, worrying all the time and nearly falling asleep driving to my destinations every day.

So the decision was made, it was hard for me to do but I put in my two weeks notice at work. I'm sad to see the place where I have worked and grown these past few years go but I have to do what's best for me and my baby. All this stress is really taking a toll on my health and my sanity. Plus completing this last semester of school is more important than finishing out a couple months of work before the baby is born. My career opportunities with a degree are exponentially greater than without it.

So I've learned that even though I hate to admit it, I am just human; and that's ok! Swiss writer Henri Frederic Amiel says "Learn to limit yourself; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace to all that you are not; and to believe in your own individuality."

I once heard life described as a plate spinning act. You know.... those performers who spin plates on top of sticks. They can't spin every plate at once; instead they run to the plate that is losing the most momentum give it a quick spin and then move on to another. Life is like this plate spin act, we can't pay exclusive attention to all the plates at once, but the good news is that we don't have to. If the performer tried to spin more than one plate at a time or stayed on just one plate all the others would come crashing down around him. He knows that to keep the plate spinning act going he has to section his time evenly between all the plates.

My decision to remove a plate was because I found that too many plates were losing momentum at a time and being only one person I couldn't handle the load. I think this decision will leave me feeling accomplished at the end of the day instead of feeling like each day's end leaves me to sweep up the broken porcelain of a hundred fallen plates. Albert Einstein said, "Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." I hope this recognition of my limits will allow me to accomplish more than I had ever dreamed possible.