Bedtime

I have a lot of back blogging to do but I don't want miss the present while trying to catch up. Here's a snapshot of life as it is right now. 

Bedtime last night-

Kyky is tucked in bed, Neila is crawling around the floor chewing on toys, I'm reading a story out loud to them. Suddenly kyky interrupts. 

" mommy"

" yes, beansy?"

".... I mad"

Her expression is calm and she's reclining on her pillow with her hands behind her head.

" you are? Why?"

"Yes. I so mad, mad." She sighs dramatically but her expression is still cool as a cucumber.

" ok" 

She then calmly sits up, buries her face in her pillow and screams into it as loud as she can then says

" ahhh, that's much, much better" 

Neila erupts in laughter and then starts making sharp screeching sounds. As if to say, encore!

" oh good! I'm glad you got those big feelings out." I say, trying to keep a straight face. 

" mommy.... Read the story"

Returns to her reclined position

I'm Ready

Maybe you noticed and maybe you haven't but I haven't blogged in a long time... like a really long time.  Not because nothing is happening, LOTS has happened and I'm actually wracked with guilt that my sweet little Neila has aged to the ripe old age of 9 months and hasn't had the monthly update that Kylea got.  We had a really rough decision that we made and I think I've been waiting until I was ready to write about it to return to blogging.  I didn't anticipate it taking so long.  I also wanted to have lots of time to properly articulate how I was feeling about the situation and give it it's due diligence.  That's just not going to happen, not with two kiddos.

Here's the not-so-short story.  Neila was allergic to Tekoa. I suspected it for weeks before I finally admitted it.  I only admitted it after having to take my poor sweet 6 week old Neila to Primary Children's Hospital at 3 in the morning because she was having a very difficult time breathing.  She had a slight cold but was so very congested the poor little thing couldn't breath hardly at all. The respitory tech at the hospital tried to suction the congestion out of her nose with their special machinery but had to take time out to search for the smallest tube, her nasal passages were so swollen and irritated that the normal newborn tube couldn't be forced into her nasal passages.  

The doctor came in and discussed her diagnosis.  Neila had rhinovirus (the common cold) and was probably suffering from another irritant as well.  That other irritant was eventually discovered to be, Tekoa.  It was Mother's Day we sat in a dark hospital room trying to get a grouchy Kylea to lay down on the hospital bed and take a nap and holding my baby, who after 3 bouts of suctioning, was finally able to breath enough to get some sleep.  Tears squeezed from my cheeks as I thought of my third child at home curled up in his crate with no clue what was coming.  Worst Mother's Day ever.

We had waited for Tekoa's birth, tracked his first 8 weeks of life with excitement driven all the way to Denver and taken him back to Salt Lake with us.  He made us proud, taught us lessons brought us unimaginable joy.  He was a watchful big brother to Kylea.  He watched over her during those first months when she was in questionable health under the bili lights, never complained when she crawled on him, pulled his ears and dressed him like a princess.  He was the perfect dog.  How could I give away the perfect dog?

We all cried, a lot.  With a heavy heart I petitioned our community for individual who would be willing to add our beloved Tekoa to their family.  I personally interviewed at least a dozen families, and met with several others.  It was coming down to the wire.  We had interviewed just about everyone and there just wasn't anyone that was jumping out at us.  We met with a lot of good people who adored Tekoa but we just weren't sure they were willing to give him the same treatment we would.   

Then the phone rang.  One more family wanted to meet him.  The knock at the door came and in poured a man a woman and their several children.  The woman told us of their deep love for Siberians.  They had owned 2 Sibes before they had children whom they loved dearly and were devastated when old age finally took them.  She had brought a scrap book filled with photos of their beloved sibes.  The children were perfect with him played respectfully with him and were thrilled by his tricks.  Tekoa delightedly performed his "bang-bang" trick (play dead) repeatedly to squeals of glee from the children.  I was happy but couldn't conceal my emotion when talking about the logistics of Tekoa and once again I was crying.  The woman wrapped her arms around me and cried too. She told me she knew how it felt to say goodbye to a beloved family member.  We thanked them and shut the door and told them we would be in contact.

We didn't need time though....they were the ones. the only ones I could picture loving him the way he deserved.  Kevin ran down the stairs and told them we wanted them to have him.

They came the next day.  Tekoa jumped gladly into their car puppy smiling the whole time.  As we walked back toward the house Kylea screamed out what I think both Kevin and I's hearts were screaming, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!! MY WOOOO WOOOOO!!!!!! NOO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!"  We all wept uncontrollably.

In the days that followed I blubbered endlessly.  I may or may not have wept while dramatically singing Sarah Mclaughlin's "I will Remember You" as I vacuumed up Tekoa's fur.  I guess I have a flair for drama.  But I felt like I was betraying him.  I wept again when I opened the pantry to prepare dinner and saw the giant space where the bucket for his dog food used to be.  I wept when neighbors asked me about Tekoa and what had happened. He left a hole, a palpable void in our lives.

We LOVED that dog!  He never missed a walk in his entire life, ever.  Except on the days that he went to doggy daycare and played with his doggy friends.  It's been several months now and I still miss him.  I think I always will.  His new family writes us and sends us photos.  He's happy and healthy and is bringing another family joy.  And that's all we really want for our kids, right? Happiness.

woo and his new brothers and sisters

4 Months

Neila Sage, my darling baby, you are already 4 months old!  You light up our lives with your happy peaceful spirit.  Now that we know you are allergic to dairy  and Mommy has quit eating things that have dairy in them you are your happy delightful self from sun up to sun down and every where in between.

At 4 Months You....
-roll from your back to your tummy.   This has made diaper changes an olympic sport, as you are eager to practice your new skill whenever you get the chance!

-Giggle, chuckle and belly laugh.  You wake up and the first thing you do every morning is flash you enormous gummy smile.  You think your big sissy is the funniest.  You have lots of tickle spots.  Your laugh is infectious and bright.

-Interact.  You LOVE to get eye contact and have jabber conversations.  You blow a raspberry, Mommy blows  a raspberry, your eyes get really big and you laugh a giant belly laugh....Then Mommy dies of a cuteness overload.

-Play! You LOVE to play with toys.  You smile and coo and jabber at toys.  And grasp onto them and shove them eagerly into your mouth cooing and jabbering in delight the whole time.  When placed on your tummy you excitedly kick your legs to inch your way toward a toy placed in front of you.
 
-Sleep.  You sleep when you're tired and don't put up a fuss at all, but only as long as you have a warm body next to you.  Although some days it would be nice to set you down and get a few things done, there's just nothing sweeter than staring into your sweet little face as you smile up at me and peacefully drift into slumber.

We all love you to pieces!  The first thing Kylea wants to do every morning is hold you.  You love a good cuddle from Daddy and you are Mommy's little 'roo riding around almost everywhere in your moby wrap.  We took you to the pediatrician because your eye got infected.  You smiled up at him and kicked your little legs as he poked and prodded and shined lights into your sore eye. He even stopped the exam halfway through to ask, "Is she ALWAYS this happy?!"  Yes, yes she is.  You are an absolute delight.  Keep growing sweet baby.  We love you.

The Ocean: A Beautiful and Terrifying Ride

The ocean can be deceiving, you know? You stand on the shore gazing into the crystal blue beauty hypnotized by the rise and fall of the waves crashing onto the shore.  And you decide it's gorgeous and refreshing and you want to go for a swim!  Everything goes amazing, you are dancing through the waves and maybe riding a few, when suddenly a rogue wave catches you off guard.

The next thing you know you are swirling through the water. You are completely at the ocean's mercy, flipping and turning through the wave. The wave passes you are still gasping for air when you're hit with another and another you try to claw your way to the surface but find you have no idea where that is.  Eventually the ocean releases you from it's grasp.  Gasping for air and with salt stinging your eyes you compose yourself and then make a decision, do you go play some more in the water or do you retreat to your sandy towel and lick your wounds for a moment?

I feel like this is the perfect analogy for these last couple months. I stood on the beach admiring the beauty of the ocean with no clue of what was in store for me.  In a short span of time we have weathered a very scary illness from the baby, a trip to primary children's hospital ER, saying good-bye to our beloved dog Tekoa, several more rejections from companies that interviewed Kevin, worried sleepless night after worried sleepless night holding my newborn babe who could barely breath, tear filled day after day with my poor bewildered Kylea.

More than once I raised my hands up to the heavens and in inaudible prayer cried out, "I'm just ONE person!  How can I meet the needs of everyone?! This is just too much!"  I found myself more than once holding a crying baby while my crying toddler held onto my ankles.  I wanted desperately to pick her up, to comfort her but...I'm just one person and the baby needed me more. I tried my best to sooth her with words and one arm hugs and head pats.  My heart felt like it would break into a million pieces every time I couldn't answer her desperate plea for, "MOMMMY!"  I felt very much like I was drowning

After 6 weeks of a sick Neila she finally started to get better.  She seemed less miserable, but I still couldn't lay her down to sleep or stop moving or she would wake up.  We finally discovered that she had a severe case of reflux which was greatly improved by cutting ALL dairy out of my diet.  This sounded tons easier than it actually was.  Dairy is in almost every single processed food that you can find.  Crackers? yes.  Tuna? yes. Hot dogs? yes. and the list goes on and on. I'm basically living off of oatmeal and chicken and fruits and veggies.....which is really how I should be eating anyway.

Today as I played with Kylea while the baby peacefully slept in her bassinet I found myself overflowing with gratitude for the simple things we usually take for granted and offering a prayer of thanksgiving.  After all, this one-on-one time with my sweet Kyky hasn't been possible while the babe was sick and in pain.

"Thank- you Heavenly Father for making me do hard things.  Thank you for humbling me, for orienting me to the things that are most  important.  Thank-you for the health that we enjoy.  Thank-you for the love that we share.  Thank-you for trusting me to be a mother.  Thank-you for helping me to be who YOU want me to be and not who I think I WANT to be.  Your way is better.  I don't know when Kevin will get his due reward of a promotion.  What I DO know is that I'm going to stop praying for it to happen.  Instead Heavenly Father, help my will to become aligned with thine.  Help me to find joy in this beautiful, crazy, tough journey called life."

Hard things have a way of deepening our gratitude.  Perhaps I was too proud.  Perhaps I let a sense of entitlement fill me up with envy and impatience. Perhaps this challenge was just what I needed to get where I'm supposed to be.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that I have taken the time that I need to sit on the beach and lick my wounds and I'm ready to jump back in the ocean.  Sure, I run the risk of being knocked down by a few rogue waves but I wouldn't want to miss the ride!

More posts about the wonderful particulars of life as it is right now to come.

One Week

Sweet little Neila Sage.

Who knew babies like you even existed?

Sweet, even tempered, smiley little angel.

You are such an easy addition to our family.

You tolerate your sister smothering you with kisses and hugs and tickles.  She completely adores you.  I hope someday you are the best of friends.

You sleep through toddler screeches and crashes.

You communicate your wants and needs through little grunts and if too much time passes a mild squack.

You smell like new baby heaven.  I could sit and breath in your little head all day long.

You love to suck on your little fists.

You fall asleep all. by. yourself......MIRACLE!

We are so thankful we got to add your sweet spirit to our family and can't wait to watch you grow.

another water baby.  LOVED her first bath!

Out of The Woods

I want to remember some of the small and precious details of Neila's birth.  This was the song I listened to over and over again while laboring.  I had lots of other songs and hypnobirthing tracks loaded on the ipod and ready to go, but this fit  perfectly with labor and birth and kept me so quietly intent on what I was doing, it was all I wanted to hear.  "Out of the Woods" will always make me think of little Neila's birth day. 

"Out Of The Woods"

I wish you out of the woods 
And into the picture with me. 
I wish you over the moon, 
Come out of the question and be. 

[CHORUS]
If this going to 
Run round in my head 
I might as well be dreaming. 
Run round in my head 

I rollercoaster for you. 
Time out of mind 
Must be heavenly. 
It's all enchanted and wild, 
It's just like my heart said 
It was going to be. 

[CHORUS]

[First Verse]

[CHORUS]

Neila's Birth Story

All birth is miraculous, special and life changing. Bringing life into the world is no light matter.  But what happens when you peel back all the layers and medical interventions and let it just be birth as God intended it to be?  The answer? The most miraculous, empowering and magnificent experience you could possibly have.

Neila's story began on a cold March morning March 22, 2013.  I woke up and had a sixth sense impression that baby was making her way into the world.  It was like I could feel the dilating.  We got up took care of Kylea and then decided to vacuum the carpet hoping that it would speed things along.   It did!  The birth plug came out and contractions set in at about every ten minutes.  I called Kevin and asked him to come home in case things got serious.  

All day I was filled with a ton of anxious-excited nesting energy.  I went to Walmart and picked up all of our Easter supplies came home took a nap with Kylea and then went back out to Target to pick up a few organizational and decorative items for baby's room.  I tidied and organized, cuddled and played with Kylea all evening long.  

At about 8:30 I started to feel a little tired and stressed so I put on my hypnobirthing affirmations and birth music and brought myself back to a calm state.  Contractions were still at 10 minute intervals and growing in pressure but with a little relaxation and breathing not painful.

At 9:00 we laid down with Kylea to read her scriptures, say a prayer and put her to bed.  The second I crawled into bed, my water broke.  This is when things started to really pick up.

Kevin called the midwife who told us that for the first time ever she had another Mom at the center who had JUST given birth.  She told us to keep her posted.  We decided to just hang out for a bit and finish with Kylea's bedtime routine.  As I lay snuggled up next to Kylea the frequency of the contractions seemed to increase (though I wasn't timing them) and I knew we should head out soon unless I wanted to deliver a baby in the van.

We grabbed our bags, left some probably over detailed information for my in-laws who were staying with us and would be watching Kylea.

We live in Eagle Mountain, which 35-40 minutes away from the birthing center.  It was 10:30 at night and a light snow was falling.  Kevin and I chatted and laughed and took little breaks for me to relax and breath through a contraction which were now coming at 5 minute intervals.

When we got to the birth center, our midwife Rebecca asked Kevin if I was this calm last time I birthed, she was surprised to hear that I was in active labor and still calm and smiling. All the midwife could offer us was her (rather comfy) waiting room since the couple who had just birthed were still being checked out.  We turned on Harry Potter and snuggled up on the couch together.  Kevin rubbed my back and we relaxed.  

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

Rebecca started an IV (because I tested positive for strep b) towards the end of the drip I started transitioning.  Everything got REALLY hot I suddenly couldn't sit still anymore.  This is where Kevin deserves the golden star award for best and most supportive husband he rubbed my back, held me, reminded me to breath and was my rock of support and kept me level headed.  Meanwhile Rebecca and her daughter RAN through the office quickly cleaning and preparing the tub so that I could get in.

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

When the tub was ready I practically dove in.....sweet relief!  I could just float and focus on pushing my baby down.  Kevin knelt by my head gently speaking encouragement and stroking my head.  I was tuned in, I could feel her wiggling her way down with each contraction I breathed out.  I probably could have pushed her out in a single heave but we wanted the birth to be gentle on me too so we practiced controlled breathing during contractions (NOT pushing) Finally she emerged and with an artful summersault by our skilled midwife, Rebecca she was freed from the cord that was wrapped around her little neck and in my arms.  

scooping her out of her watery environment

She stared with wide open eyes and blinked so lucid and curious her cord was allowed to pulse and support her while she struggled through her first breaths.  

I don't think there's anything more spiritual than staring into the face of your newborn child for the first time.  This time, in addition to the wonder of taking in all of her beauty I was filled with an amazing sense of power, fulfillment and family bonding.  I felt closer than ever to Kevin, how could I have made it through this journey as peacefully as I did without him? And our baby, I got to travel deep inside myself and truly experience her journey into the world.  I didn't stare awkwardly into the face of strangers while wondering if my "pushing face" looked weird.  I was totally present and focused on the end prize the entire time.  We made the journey together, all of us.

We spent the next couple hours snuggling and nursing. Rebecca brought us cinnamon rolls to celebrate the birth of our beautiful baby girl.  When enough time to bond in a relaxed way had passed we took measurements.

She's 7lbs 6oz!

19 and 1/4 inches

and passed her first exam with flying colors

Then we got dressed and ready to settle into bed.  A REAL bed with room for Kevin to sleep too.

(photo from great expectations birthing suite site)

The next morning we woke up to a delicious meal of huckleberry pancakes, bacon and eggs and juice prepared by Rebecca.  Neila settled into the boppy and hung out while we enjoyed our breakfast in bed.

I feel so blessed to have been able to bring this sweet little life into the world in such a peaceful calm and empowering environment.  

The magic continued when we got to introduce our little Neila to her big sister Kylea.  Kylea has claimed her as her own and wants to be wherever baby is.  We love our new addition!